Morena's Place

Solange, Blue Ribbon Baker

2011-10-22T03:04:00.004-04:00

If Tony were still here he would be so proud of his babysister. Alias, he was always proud of her the way he would always show off her baking skills. We always had a couple cabinets set aside for Solange's baking ingredients. He would always have people taste her baking goodies and then say to them "from scratch!!" and he would go open her cabinets and show off her tools, ingredients, etc. If he were still here he would be so puffed up with pride to have seen her graduate from the best school "le cordon bleu" and now working at Gia's as "THE" PASTRY CHEF there.
Tony had a cake that was one of his fav's called "Take me to a picnic" cake. A chocolate and peanutbutter cake that was rather thin made on what looked like a cookie sheet cake with a peanutbutter frosting. He'd tell her to call him back into the kitchen when she was ready to frost the cake. And they would mix the ingredients together, then frost it together. It was so good!
LD shows off his little sister's skills now. She makes his fav which is her chocolate chip cookies. He makes sure the cabinet always has plenty of what she needs to make it and she always makes time to make it, even when she was running from one job to the other on a break. Don't you love it when someone appreciates your cooking? Makes you want to cook even more.
Schivone is proud of her as well. She's told everybody, friends, people she works with....she tells them all to show thier support. If you know Schivone she's really telling them, not asking, lol.

District Convention September 9, 10 & 11, 2011

2011-09-20T03:44:00.006-04:00

Last weekend me, Solange and my mom attended the District Convention in Orlando. What a banquet of spiritual food! There was a beautiful drama every day.
It was so good to see our old friends as well as the new. We were reminded of the paradise hope and how we should be watching our kids really close because the ruler of this system wants to take as many as he can down with him and he goes for the most vulnerable, our children.
It was 3 days worth of spiritual food. I thank my Bosses for the time off. Now we're looking forward to our "Special Day" assembly in Plant City.
When we got back on Sunday night from the convention Solange went straight to work, both jobs. The one job unloading freight for Walmart and the other job as head baker at this new bakery that just opened up in town. I felt so bad for her. I would've liked for her to rest up a bit after a fast paced, long weekend we just had. But here it was her first week at the bakery, she works barely 3 days and her boss offered her full time!! Soon she'll be leaving Walmart doing all that heavy lifting and working doing what she enjoys doing and went to school for, graduating with honors!!
James 4:8 says Draw close to God and he will draw close to you. Deus é fiel! Jehovah is truly faithful! 1 Corinthians 1:9
Tony would be so proud of her, I know it. He always told her he didn't want her working for Walmart, (valued employee that she is, recieving "Associate of the Month" twice) but that he did want her to bake, something he knew she would enjoy and also something they both loved doing together.

Pictures show that we lived

2011-09-20T03:11:00.002-04:00

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

Why would you not want to share pictures with a mother who lost her son
knowing this would bring her some joy?
This is what I wrote in an email and I was about to send to my sister, the photographer of the family.
You walk into her hobby room and all you see are these clear plastic boxes stacked one ontop of the other each with a different family member or friends name on them. As I said before I never had to worry about taking pictures of my kids as they were growing because there my sister would be with her camera trying to get the kids to pose just right for the perfect picture.
Now here I am. I would love to take a trip down memory lane and see my children as they were growing, especially Tony since he is no longer here with me. I have left so many telephone messages and sent so many emails, not just to her but to my brother and my other sister as well.
As one person put it that has seen them at family gatherings, "they're joined at the hip", so I've pleaded with all three of them but they don't care.
I would never do this with anyone, ignore suxh a plea. I would love to be able to minimize someones hurt and if this was all I had to do, and it was within my power to do so I would.
This really MUST be the last days and it also MUST be what 2 Timothy 3:1-5 warns.

I wish I had some photos

2011-09-03T17:10:00.002-04:00

I lost my son just after he turned 23 (one month) this was 7 years ago and the pain is still fresh for me. Being my first of 4 children he was always there for me, my helper. I feel such a void. It was so senseless, he was killed (shot in the heart) by his ex-girlfriend. I am always at the verge of crying. I have even thought at times I am being selfish because I am feeling sorry for myself (crying) because I'm missing out on a life time of moments I would've been able to share with him. All the happiness he would've brought me, all diminished. I still have 3 other children that make me smile but I am no longer a "happy" person. They're all a piece of me so in essence it feels as if I have lost a limb or a part of me. I miss him so much sometimes I feel ending it all would be the best way out of feeling this pain inside. Most of the time I am in no mood to talk to anyone about it because most people don't know what to say and 99.9% of the time I rather them say nothing at all. I wish they would just share with me a moment in their lives where he made a difference instead.

My Faith, Jehovah my strength

2010-06-29T02:55:00.002-04:00

I was in the darkness
I was out in the cold
Seemed nothing could heal this
This hole in my soul
You reached out your arms to me
Held out your heart to me
Pulled me back from the edge
Thought I reached the end.

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You you you pulled me through
I was in the shadows
Lost, nothing left to lose.
You, you, you pulled me through.

You gave my faith back
Faith was so hard to find
You gave me my life back
You were my lifeline
The love that you gave me
Is love that has saved me
Your strength is what made me strong
You held me and I held on

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You oh you you pulled me through
I was in the shadows
Lost, nothing left to lose.
You, you, you pulled me through.

Out of the dark
Into your arms
Into the light
Your love saved my life

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You, ooh you, you (pulled me through)
(When I was drowning) when I was drowning
I was so confused (when I was confused)
Yea you ooh you yea you you pulled me through
(You pulled me through, you) you, you pulled me through.

2010-06-10T04:59:00.002-04:00

If you're wondering Summer never sent a photo of Tony. Not that I expected her to, she's evil for heaven sakes. It's not in her to do right, not even a little bit right. After all look at what she did to Tony. Evil people are just that way. Look at my sister. I begged for 4 years for her to send me a photo by email even. I mean it's nothing off her back, it's an email and she get's to keep the original. You see, my sister was always the photographer of the family. It was her hobby. After 4 years of begging on the answering machine (she screens her calls) she finally sent a couple but not without me trading them for current photos of my kids, invites to their wedding (to which of course she never attended or told my other sister or brother about), important info on the family (I do ancestor research on our family). But then something happened. I heard from my nephew a story they told him about how my son past away that was so far from the truth I sent her an email. I wrote that her information was wrong and that if she wanted the truth why won't she come out of hiding and ask me? "Come out of hiding" because in 11 years she has yet to answer the phone, even when I told her our mother was very ill, in and out of the hospital. Then no more photos. Heartless. I'd love to see these photos she holds onto. It gives her a sense of power I guess.
I just know I miss my baby's smile, in all the stages of his life. Even of my other children.
I don't understand it. I would never do this to another soul who has had such a tremendous loss.
I pray every night to God to help me forgive these people. It eats me up inside how evil people can be, especially those closest to you. I have to pray this way because when I go to God in prayer how do I expect to ask to be forgiven, right?! Then I pray for God to handle it for me and in due time He will. Only thing is patience. I have to let him do His thing.

"Through the years and the distance your image remains
LIke the first day I saw you, you'll never be changed
As a token you left me your picture" Gloria Estefan

Baby you're not lost

2010-03-29T00:28:00.002-04:00

ecouraging

2010-03-28T22:39:00.002-04:00

I received some encouraging words yesterday. My son according to Jehovah's word, is in Jehovah's memory. My hope is to be united with him one day and to see his beautiful smile, his perfect body, no pain, no tears....perfect conditions because there will be plenty of work to do restoring this earth to a perfect paradise and welcoming back those that died before armageddon.

Liable

2010-03-25T23:50:00.008-04:00

My daughter had a dream the other night about Tony. She said it made her miss him so much, wanted to see if Summer could share some photos. This of course meant getting a hold of the person that killed my son and to ask for some photos that she had taken of him. The communication with my daughter and Summer was all via myspace.com. After awhile Summer finally wrote back and said she had been to my blog and read it and that considering my son's passing I "should move on" and that I could even be held liable for what I had written...."move on", right, coming from a mother herself. Except ofcourse when it came to motherhood, for her, she did give up her first two kids. She practically handed them over to her first husband as she was late for the court date that would show she was fighting for custody. Then there was her third child she lost. I never did get a straight story about him being a still birth baby. I am sorry to say but I strongly think it had to do with the drugs she was taking at the time. Then there's the fourth child Tony helped raise from the time the child was almost 1 year until about 4yrs. old. That one she's kept, he's about 9yrs. old now.
Now, what I'm trying to get at is a real mother knows better than to say to another mother who's had such a traumatic loss to "get over it" especially if she lost one herself.
She still insists she had nothing to do with Tony's passing but those of you who have been reading this blog, have to agree there's no other explanation, unless of course you want to go with the other story (her story was and still is, she found him that way) which still confirms she's heartless either way (as Tony used to say) to have allowed Tony to take his own life because if that were so then he could not stand another minute on this earth if it meant to spend it with her, and don't forget in both scenarios she let's him bleed to death for three hours before saying anything to anybody.
There were people outside waiting for him or she could have gone to a neighbor. BTW the neighbor who sold Tony that gun which Tony kept under lock and key ended up killing himself one year later, exact same day as Tony passed away. He himself was an x-cop from New York and the guilt must have eaten him alive. My son David remembers Summer telling him she broke into the safe the gun was in looking for the gun and money the night before.
ALSO, get this....after saying I could be held liable for what I've written here she said she wasn't sure whether she was going to share any photos of Tony because if I were to post them I would alter the photo so she and her son could not be recognizable. So let me get this straight....does she want to be known or doesn't she?
Now, she's threatening ME???? Don't push it Summer. They have the death penalty in THIS state. I also have a certified copy of a filed report for domestic violence your son's father filed against you. The reason you are still loose is because this system isn't perfect. But don't you worry because in the new system you'll have to answer to a higher power (your maker) and I'm VERY fine with that.

2009-11-12T23:14:00.003-05:00

The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds of the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind.
written by Francois de la Rochefoucauld

2009-11-06T00:55:00.002-05:00

I dream about him every so often but I don't bring him up in conversation as much. It's been a while because I get these looks like "Really?!" But I miss him so much. I can't stress this enough if anyone thinks this won't happen to them is totally wrong. I still ask myself this. When I look back at how everyone was so careful with me and warnings of how this or that may go wrong with the baby, it actually scares me. It was a risk pregnancy. I was writing those warnings off as Nothing, those things can't happen to us, to me. I thought that it would be so close too close to home and things like that wouldn't happen to us. I was so wrong. I miss him so much. It still hurts so much. I love all my kids and to know I had all them, they are my life, they are my heart. They were what I lived for. My pride and joy. I still can't believe it. A part of my anatomy is gone. I can't function as before, neither do I care to.

2009-10-01T06:32:00.002-04:00

I've been wanting to write on here how I've been feeling for some time now. I've dreamt about Tony, some happy dreams from when he was young and safe with me and also not so good memories of feeling guilty from when he was growing up the eldest and my putting so much responsibility on him. I guess, well, more like pretty sure it comes from when I had so much responsibility put on me as a child but I wasn't so ridged or strict with him, he was so mature and trustworthy I let him pretty much run the show. I didn't copy my parents. Growing up in the 60's and 70's I wonder how I survived my parents, my punishments. But they do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yet I don't look at myself as being so strong. I could leave this earth at a drop of a hat. I admit this here but to keep from being put away I'll always deny it.
I feel sometimes like I'm in a bubble surrounded by words. Maybe it's because I can't form a sentence to make anyone understand what I'm going through. I still cry all the time. I miss him so much. I still imagine my Tony walking through the door. It's starting to irritate me though when people say to imagine he's on a vacation. But the truth of the matter is he's never coming home. It was so easy before when I felt overwhelmed I'd pick up the phone and call him and talk to him and he'd make me feel better because he was such a good listener. Or when I felt I had to see him and he'd come right over just for a hug, or I'd go over to his house just for a hug. To see my son Tony drive up in the driveway was like the closest thing to a celebrity, to me even better. I would get so happy to hear his SUV pull in the driveway. I'd meet him outside so happy to see him and just hug him. He was so special to me. Getting one of his hugs would make me feel so....hard to describe. He loved me. We had been through so much, he was my rock. I miss that feeling, I miss him so much. I love all my children. But I'll never have that again.
He called me that night before and confided in me his plans for the future. It didn't include her. He's gone now because of her. She took the most precious gift God gave me. The gift of being his mother. How can I forgive that Jehovah? I'm not perfect. How can I forgive her for that?

2009-09-29T18:14:00.003-04:00

My mom had her surgery to her neck. The following week it did get infected. The Doctor explained that it was her saliva glands that had gotten very infected. He squeezed all the infection out right there in the office. I could tell it was very painful for my mom. Now 2 weeks later the area is hardened but the Doctor looked at it this monday and said it would be several weeks before that area would start to appear normal. In the end tumor that was removed wasn't cancer so we were happy about that.
My grandson is doing much better. He survived the swine flu and so did his momma. LD got to see him last thursday after he stopped at his pre school. He hadn't seen LD in awhile so they were very happy to see eachother. holding on tight to his neck he whispered in LD's ear he wanted to go home but LD told him he had to go to work and that he would be picked up as normal later probably by his other grandma. LD was with Solange. She got a big hug too. Makes me sad LD doesn't get to see his son as much as he would like because he has to work 7 days a week now.

Not at all a good day....

2009-09-04T17:23:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was not a good day. I had to pre-register my mom for surgery next wednesday, the 9th. She goes in to remove a tumor on the right side of her neck the size of an ehh. The Doc said may be cancer. She alergic to the anesthesia, she has trouble waking up and last time she got violently ill.
And then there's my grandbaby to which I found out last night has the swine flu. Today his fever climbed to 101 degrees.
I'm at the verge of crying all the time seeing all this and more around me and feel useless unable to do anything about it. This life is so cruel, so unjust. I can't wait till the new system. We all need it so bad.
Rev. 21:4 and I'll be able to see my Tony again.
I was so happy before when he was here. Anything came my way I still felt so blessed because I knew Jehovah and he had blessed me allowing me to be their mom. 4 of the most beautiful blessings, my answered prayer. Now I feel useless, so useless.

Solange @ 22

2009-08-27T10:38:00.003-04:00

Our babycakers was born 22 yrs ago today. As she put's it 22 yrs ago she "was taken from my womb, not by choice". she was supposed to be born in July but wasn't ready to go down the super slide of life. she liked the butt groove she had made comfortable for herself, so I made a choice, since I could no longer walk normally, wobbled like a weeble, made the appt. and that's all she wrote.
Tony was a real help with Solange. He would be so proud of where she is in her life right now. He used to refer to her as "I'm the baby" as if she was talking, copying that cartoon they had on the air at the time, a dinosaur family with a baby that always said "I'm the baby".
He was very protective of her as with all his siblings. He really loved his baby sister.

Easy Sleepin'

2009-08-23T08:08:00.003-04:00

I ask from Tony's friends sometimes a memory of him but recently I remembered one of my own. When I brought Schivone home from the hospital she was about 24 hours old, this was 27 yrs ago. I got home and for him to be able to interact with her for a little bit I put a blanket down in the middle of the living room and laid baby Schivone on her back and had Tony sit beside her so he could meet his little sister, touch her, etc. Schivone was born a year, one month, less one day after Tony. He sat there close to her and I could tell he wanted to touch her and I let him showing him how gentle he should be and saying "easy Tony, easy". Every time he went for her cheek I'd tell him "easy, easy". He was very gentle.
Schivone was now home and visitors would come wanting to take a peek, even my father came in from Connecticut as a surprise.
Tony was very protective of Schivone even at that little young age.
But, I remember when I had her comfortable in her crib with the door of her room slightly ajar and Tony would check on her once in awhile. I remember one time there was a knock on the door though and as the guests were coming in he would run to her room, point and say "easy, sleepin', shhh, easy, sleepin'". I figured it out after a while, he thought that was her name....Easy. (smiles) as he got older he realized her real name but for awhile it was "Easy".

"Childhood's End" Pink Floyds version

2009-08-17T07:44:00.002-04:00

Pink Floyd
Obscured By Clouds
Childhood's End
You shout in your sleep.
Perhaps the price is just too steep.
Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test?
You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart.
Just one man beneath the sky,
Just two ears, just two eyes.
You set sail across the sea of long past thoughts and memories.
Childhood's end,
Your fantasies merge with harsh realities.
And then as the sail is hoist,
You find your eyes are growing moist.
All the fears never voiced say you have to make your final choice.
Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why?
Some are born;
Some men die beneath one infinite sky.
There'll be war, there'll be peace.
But everything one day will cease.
All the iron turned to rust;
All the proud men turned to dust.
And so all things, time will mend.
So this song will end.

2009-08-11T01:42:00.003-04:00

The thought of writing a blog about what has happened is something I wish I never had to do but it's my outlet.
What happens to you when you lose a child is unimaginable, unthinkable. The people close to you don't understand. Sometimes a stranger shows more compassion and understanding than your own relative.
I never claimed to be strong or a survivor but people call me that. Don't. I wish I could tell them, just don't. I'm not that strong. I'm still here because I'm a coward. Everyday I think of a way out.
People don't understand how this boy saved my life. I never had affection or love like I saw my friends or cousins get from their parents. My parents even showed more affection to my cousins than they did me. I wasn't in a good place when I found out I was pregnant, I was praying everynight not to wake up the next morning. My son saved my life. I finally had something/someone to live for that I could love and would love me back. He's gone, that true love is gone. Unconditional love. He knew the life we had. He knew the sacrifices I made, he knew how others judged me and how wrong they were. All that is gone and I don't want to be here anymore. It's really that simple.

2009-07-25T22:50:00.003-04:00

I found an ex boyfriend on facebook I haven't seen in years and started to talk to him about Tony. I was having a hard time lately and he gave me his ear so to speak. It only lasted for a couple days. I don't like to open up too much because then I can't stop. Tony was an extra ordinary person and people sometimes think you are saying all these wonderful things about your loved one because you're their mother. That's only partly true. If the person wasn't so special you wouldn't be going on and on. I don't think so anyway.
Solange left for California on tuesday and I was so afraid. I was afraid something would happen to the plane or her and it didn't help that driving to the airport on the less than 1 hour drive I saw 2 car accidents. She made it to Nashville and then Oakland safely and she's OK. She's having alot of fun so she says. And she won't be back until the first week of August. By then I hope to have enough or be close to being able to move.

Divorce in 2009

2009-07-06T19:05:00.009-04:00

It's been a long time comin' but I have to come clean. LD is divorced. Courtney filed for divorce a few months ago and it's final. They have split. From what I hear she had planned it before the wedding but didn't want to disappoint her parents after they had spent so much money and so went through with the wedding. It did have something to do with the economy, LD was trying to get a full time 9 to 5 but there aren't many jobs to be had out there. He was on a list for Lowes considering his dad works there and as soon as the hiring freeze lifted he would be one of the first considered. LD also worked side jobs, landscaping, drywall, laying floors and such even going out of town to do some of this work days at a time but that wasn't enough. You name it he did it. He even worked seasonally for UPS. But she went the extra mile and divorced him saying once he learns his lesson and grows up she would take him back. She told me she would leave him if he didn't "hurry up and find a job" and that it was "so much easier for a man to find a job than a woman" that she would leave him. This was just after the wedding. I thought she was venting!!
She works for a body shop but it's a job her mother got her and her boss is a friend of the family!
The bills were being paid, not even her girlfriends could understand why. She had to post in bold print on "MySpace", "NO HE DID NOT CHEAT ON ME!" Everyone knew he was a "catch".
Whatever happened to "in sickness and health, richer or poorer...."
I'm sorry. I know my son and we've had some long talks. He took his vows seriously but she proceeded to rob him both emotionally and materially, to go back to someone you can no longer trust?
He never cheated on her and treated her like a Queen, never laying a hand on her, never calling her a name, telling her he loved her and how beautiful she was everyday, even cutting the meat off the bone when he served her her meals. He spoiled her ridiculous.
I hope he finds someone who is more humble next time.
1 Corinthians 13:8 "Love never fails...." , 1 Corinthians 13:13 " Now, however, there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Solange's Graduation

2009-06-15T20:29:00.002-04:00

June 13, 2009, Saturday, Solange graduated from the Orlando Culinary Academy Le Cordon Bleu with honors. I was there, her brother LD, Schivone, her Vovó, her Daddy and Lori. We were all very proud of my babycaker's and I'm sure Tony would have been too. Tony always encouraged her to do something she loved and excel at it. Tony was always proud of her baking stressing that everything she made it was from scratch. If Tony was here now he would be so proud of his baby sister, of everything she has accomplished already even in her line studies, in her line of work. Lot's of tears missing Tony, missing this.

I've been going out of my mind lately....

2009-05-28T06:54:00.000-04:00

This website has helped me:

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20080701/article_02.htm

Uncle Tony

2009-05-17T19:45:00.004-04:00

Today my grandbaby came to visit. We swam at the pool here in the resort and had a great time. I wish Tony would've been here. We learned today that my grandbaby's grandpa on his maternal side is 6'7" and with Tony being 6'5" last time he was measured at the Dr's office and my grandbaby already being off and beyond the charts he will also be tall.
I'm glad I saved some of Tony's clothes so I can show my grandbaby how tall his uncle Tony got to be. He still wasn't done growing either!!
I only wish Tony had been here. They would have had such fun getting to know eachother.

We get knocked down but we get back up again

2009-05-15T23:21:00.004-04:00

Somebody once said that through life sometimes you trip and fall, you get up and then sometimes trip and fall again, the important thing is you get up and keep walking. This is true but sometimes you need someone to help you up, someone to hold onto, to help you get a grip and walk with you, support you, help you take these steps and sometimes even show you how to walk again. I didn't have this. The first year it was as if people kept knocking me down. Even telling me it was time enough for me to have gotten "over it", "life goes on". Since that day I still feel the wounds, still feel I need this help and afraid to ask, to show my pain. These are pains along with what "normal" people have to deal with in life. In today's system of things when don't lack in problems along with everyone else.
But I died that day along with my son. I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I'm not asking anyone to make it easier for me, just be alittle more considerate, conscience of what I've been through or anyone has been through before they act or say something stupid. It just shocks me sometimes to know that these people exist, they hurt you with their words and all you wish sometimes is that they would shut up. You feel dead already and they're just digging your grave.
I know every mother feels this way when I say my son was different, and every child IS! I lost my right arm. I lost the person most like me in this world. Sometimes I can't stand myself so it's weird saying this.
Tony understood me in the truest sense of the word. No one will ever understand me like that. I miss you my son. I pray one day to see your smiling face again one day in paradise. Perfect, no more death, mourning or pain or tears, the former things all passed away, just as Jehovah has promised. Revelation 21:4

"Happy Mother's Day"

2009-05-10T18:08:00.004-04:00

Today the world celebrates Mother's Day. It is a bittersweet day for me. I miss Tony so much everyday. I feel like I am going above and beyond just being here everyday. I ask Jehovah for the will to keep going everyday. I am a mother 4 times afterall.
I saw the movie today that depicted Biggie Small and Tupac. A few times in the movie we were given clues that Biggie's mom was a sister. Christopher as his mom referred to him even used Jehovah's name. I remember when Biggie's mom was interviewed once after her son was murdered and her saying how she missed him, missed cooking for him....missed him. I felt a connection to her then. But now even more. In the movie driving back from the funeral or on the way to, she was holding the same bible I use from the WTBTS. I hope that she feels the same and it gives her comfort to know that she too has that hope of some day seeing her son's smile again as I do.
Just before he passed away he did have a chance to remind everyone close to him he loved them and wanted to "wipe the slate clean".
I have with me the last words Tony uttered to me on the phone the night before he was murdered. "I love you mom, I love you." So, thank you Jehovah.
Tony was everything I prayed to Jehovah for and more. Even though he didn't have a father around to teach him how to be a Man, thank's to Jehovah he had a good foundation and became a man. So, I thank Jehovah for that and so much more.

"It's really very simple"

2009-04-24T13:06:00.002-04:00

From time to time I find a poem that I can relate to by another woman who has suffered a great loss. Lyndie is usually right on.

It's really very simple
My life is not the same
I cry when no ones looking...
from all this hidden pain

Can't show it when I'm working
Not when I'm with my kids
It's really very simple
To everyone it's hid

I'll fool you with my smile
I've learned how to deny
It's really very simple
I never show I cry

Although my life is troubled
I never show the truth
The world thinks I'm much better...
for grieving is uncouth

Each morning I awaken
First thing right out of bed
This sorrow that's kept secret
It's simply just not said

Can't share it with my parent...
not a neighbor or a friend
It's really very simple
No one can comprehend

It's really very simple
Only those that share this fate

Can see right through my smile
With them I can be straight

In loving memory of Joey and his heavenly buddies
Lyndie
Copyright ©April 2009

Memories

2009-04-15T02:57:00.001-04:00

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried....
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried....
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too....
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

Remembering

2009-04-15T02:55:00.002-04:00

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing,
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You ask me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Elizabeth Dent

2009-04-14T02:29:00.002-04:00

5 years

2009-04-13T23:48:00.002-04:00

Today marked 5years since she killed my son. April 15, 2004 my son was shot in the heart. She left him there to bleed to death and every year I remember all the promises he made and all my dreams died.
It's so hard to control my emotions during this time. My son was my dream come true. The best son a mother could ever ask for but he was also my friend. You can see how special and the mark made in all his friends lives. They still make me feel special, they still call me.
As sad as this day is for me my other son LD made me so proud today. It was his 3rd visit with his son and he told him he was his father.
A re-birth. I was very happy for my son, so proud of him. Tony would've been proud too.

2009-04-09T01:40:00.002-04:00

I've missed him so much lately. I've been very emotional. This thursday will be 10 years since my Dad passed away and the 13th will be the 5th anniversary for my son. It hurts so much to feel the time go by. It's like I'm leaving him back there in 2004. Sometimes I can go on and on about him in conversation with a dry eye but then sometimes I can say 2 words and the tears start to fall.
Solange has been making some beautiful wedding cakes for some of these weddings happening at the palace grand even and we were remembering how Tony used to brag about Solange's baking showing proof of how it was made from scratch opening up her "baking ingredients cabinet". How proud he would be of her now having attended the Orlando Culinary Academy and graduating soon, doing her externship and even her bosses amazed at how beautiful her cakes are. That made us both cry.
It's been really hard lately to hold back. The Memorial is tomorrow and that is the last time he was at the Kingdom Hall. He passed away days later.
I miss my baby so much but there is the hope I'll see his smile again.

2009-03-14T03:12:00.002-04:00

On April 13th this year it will be 5 yrs since I lost Tony. When I'm alone I still cry. People said it would get easy with time. How could they know? I still get stupid remarks like that. At first I thought it was a bad dream and I would wake up from this nightmare. And as I mentioned before I even made deals with God....please, I know nothing is impossible for you, please bring him back, let me wake up and him be here.
My first-born. He was with me and saw everything of the life and sacrifices we had to go through. As for his brother and sister's he was their hero. His siblings have more than missed him. LD is going through something now that I'm sure would've been easier had his brother and best-friend were here to talk to. LD trusted too easily after his brother passed. After only one month he thought he found someone he could trust but in the end, in May 2009 it will be 5 years and this person as he puts it is in the wrong line of work and should be bound for Hollywood.
LD will be OK, he's been through worse.

March 4, 1981

2009-03-04T23:31:00.002-05:00

I welcomed my Tony into this world 28 years ago. He saved my life, he was my gift from God. I lost him too soon to say the least. He is resting and I pray to someday to see his beautiful smile again in paradise. I miss you so much my gorgeous baby.
Vovo said she dreamt of you last night you were covered with sweets. I love you so much.

2009-01-08T14:42:00.003-05:00

Solange is home now. She got to finish the semester and now is just looking for where to do her externship. I'm so proud of my baby girl and I know Tony would be too. He's her inspiration she says. She always loved to bake for him. The way he'd light up as he bragged about his baby sister's creations to everyone, the way his face would light up when she made his favorites....I miss cooking for him too.

The little things are what I miss

2009-01-04T17:03:00.004-05:00

The little things are what I miss
Bright smile on your face
Watching you go here or there
A gentle warm embrace

Sleeping very peacefully
With covers to your head
Knowing you were safe and sound
All snuggled in your bed

Enjoying all your favorite foods
Then planning what was next
You always had some place to go
Some special new project

listen to you say "what's up"
When answering a call
Heading out to join a friend
To meet or play some ball

Running up or down the stairs
"Hey mom I'll be right back"
Or standing by the counter
To have a little snack

Primping by the bathroom mirror
All ready for your night
Or hearing you outside my door
"Mom I'm home, goodnight"

The sound of your sweet laughter
As you watched a TV show
Or when I asked you something
You said "Mom I don't know"

"I won't be home for dinner
See you later, I love you"
The little things are what I miss
I really had no clue

In loving memory of Joey Sorenson 1/5/82-7/19/03
Lyndie Sorenson
©copyright 2007

2008-10-18T03:26:00.008-04:00

I'm working on a temp job. A company that provides child care for parents who are trying to get back into the workforce.
I was talking to my boss, and she's the one who clued me in. I was asked to temp there to pull charts and make sure they're in order for audit.
They didn't have this "help" when I was first separated with 4 kids, the eldest, my Tony at 12. If they did I wasn't aware of the program or services.
Thank God for my son who would be interviewed and comments the social workers would give me were that my Tony was the most mature 12 year old they have ever met. I already knew this. A week before the tragic death of my son happened I was taking him to the Dr's office in Tampa and did get a chance to thank him again and tell him how much I appreciated him and if it were not for him I don't know how we would've made it through. Thank you Jehovah for answering my prayers before Tony was born. I got everything I asked for in my first born son. I just wish I had more time with him.
My boss asked me where "they" all are these days. I told her my eldest had passed away 4 years ago. Ld just got married and bought a new home, Schivone works hard working for the cable company and Solange works at Disney in Orlando and is going to school full time to be a cordon blue pastry chef. She said I did pretty good.
With Jehovah's help Tony and I did pretty good.

Holding on

2008-10-10T03:16:00.003-04:00

There are those who, with good intentions, attempt to help those of us who grieve by removing from our lives reminders of what is gone. That is not what we want. These memories--these crumbs --are not something we wish to be done with. We want to remember.

One of the things I have learned about sorrow is that often we grieve most keenly for the loss of what we really never had but only anticipated. We are sustained in life so greatly by our hopes for the future, by projected scenarios involving ourselves and our loved ones, and when these fail to be realized we feel we have been deprived of what seems already rightfully ours.

As a youth and as a young adult, I had seen my grandfathers and then my grandmothers pass away. I cared for them, and would miss them, but they had fulfilled their years. The young especially do not grieve for long when death comes in timely fashion and releases the old from their burdens. But premature death is something else. When a loved one is erased even as he stands on the threshold of maturity, the event lacks the naturalness that could reconcile us to it.

I find it hard to express myself sometimes so this was taken from H. Wayne Schow, he too lost his beloved son.

I'm the mother of 4

2008-10-01T17:31:00.009-04:00

I still feel I have 4 children. Some people have actually argued with me saying I only have three knowing my situation. Bully's. I do everything in 4's. I feel if I don't I'd be leaving one out. Tony is still a part of my life. Why do people do this?
I'm so sad all the time. I don't show it because I don't want to reveal this to my "other" children. I get silly. I laugh with my children but deep down I'm so sad. Tony's missing everything. Everything he'd be so proud of his brother and sister's for. Tony's life insurance money helped buy LD's house but he'd still be proud of him, he always was. He works hard. Schivone has been there for me, my comic relief, she's growing up. good job and independent. Solange is in school, the school of "le cordon bleu" and it's for something Tony was always bragging about her for, her baking. The first year she accomplished so much. She learned alot, even part of the honor's society, working full time for Disney and going to school M-F. Goes right to school from work.
Solange is in limbo right now trying to get a co-signer for 2nd semester. In the next 24 hours we find out if she can continue school or not. My Dad who is gone would be very proud of her too. He always pushed school, school and more school. My Dad did make money available for his grandchildren before he passed away but my sister is sitting on it. For the past 10 years now she's been sitting on it.
That's another story. Money changes people.
As of Nov. 2008 Solange was able to continue with school. She will be graduating with honors, I'm so proud of my baby girl.

The Myth of Getting Over It by Steven Kalas

2008-07-07T15:58:00.001-04:00

When our first child is born, a loud voice says,
"Runners, take your marks!" We hear the
starting gun and the race begins. It's a race we
must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition
is called "I'll race you to the grave." I'm
currently racing three sons. I really want to
win.
Not everyone wins.
I'm soon going on stage to speak before a
crowd of parents and loved ones impacted by
the death of a child. My address is titled, "The
Myth of Getting Over it." It's my attempt to answer
the driving questions of grieving parents:
When will I get over this? How do I get over
This?
You don't get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate
goal. An unreasonable hope.
The loss of a child changes you. It changes
your marriage. It changes the way birds sing.
It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You
are forever different.
You don't want to get over it. Don't act
surprised. As awful a burden as grief is,
you know intuitively that it matters, that it
is profoundly important to be grieving.
Your grief plays a crucial part in staying
connected to your child's life. To give up
your grief would mean losing your child yet
again. If I had the power to take your grief
away, you'd fight me to keep it. Your grief
is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere
inside you, you know that.
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is
to get on with it.
Profound grief is like being in a stage play
wherein suddenly the stagehands push a
huge grand piano into the middle of the
set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates
the stage. No matter where you
move, it impedes your sight lines, your
blocking, your ability to interact with the
other players. You keep banging into it,
surprised each time that it's still there. It
takes all your concentration to work
around it, this at a time when you have little
ability or desire to concentrate on anything.
The piano changes everything. The entire
Play must be rewritten around it. But
over time the piano is pushed to stage left.
Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright,
and slowly, surely, you begin to find
the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting
to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage
it. Instead of writing every scene
around the piano, you begin to write the
piano into each scene into the story.
You learn to play that piano. You're surprised
to find that you want to play, that it's meaningful,
even peaceful to play it.

A Moment of Happiness....

2008-07-07T00:39:00.007-04:00

As I previously posted my son was married on May 24, 2008. The wedding was very beautiful and I am so happy my son is happy and I couldn't have asked for nicer in-laws. My son got married this day, there was some really happy moments. I know I cried but I also smiled alot, even laughed, danced, did the conga line, so happy to see some of my family I hadn't seen in so long some I haven't seen in almost 10 years as in Dustin's case (my nephew). Did I have a right to be so happy? According to some people because I showed this emotion I shouldn't be complaining about my loss, afterall I looked like I was having such a good time. Why do I have to justify myself?
I really didn't think I would be able to show such emotion again. I still hurt and feel a loss so great I'm not even going into it right now but me having a good time doesn't mean I'm over it. I'm so confused about the reaction of this person I can't even put it into words.

I've Been Having these Dreams lately....

2008-07-02T00:36:00.004-04:00

In my dreams I am constantly looking for Tony. There are even people in my dreams helping me look for Tony. To describe it though is like a tv program where yes, I'm looking for Tony, people there enlisted to help, challenges along the way, things are learned. Very strange, these dreams are sometimes every night, sometimes once in awhile.
I haven't logged in lately. Didn't know how to make the announcement of my second born son getting married. It was very beautiful, she's beautiful and my son looked like a movie star all dressed up. He was so happy that day you could see it in his face, eyes, smile. Needless to say I know Tony would've been very proud of his little brother. LD told me if Tony had been there he would have been best man.
LD walked me to my seat, I thought he would have been too busy as the groom for that. It surprised me. I sat in the front row with my daughters and my mother on the grooms side. I watched my son as he stood there and started to think about how far he's come, from a little wrapped up bundle in my arms to this grown man infront of me. Who was he? My son. He stood there with this smile on his face and bright eyes, a smile so beautiful and he looked so gorgeous. Images of my baby went through my mind from that bundle of happiness til now and I had to keep telling myself "don't do it, don't do it" I was thinking....don't cry. I started to look around me for familiar faces, my daughters were glowing they were so beautiful. My mother too all dressed in gold lace. I looked behind me, my ex-husband with his girlfriend. It was the first time I've ever seen him in a tux. I looked down the second row, looked like Aulia, her Dad, at first glance it looked like she brought someone with her. I turned around, looked again, he looked familiar, I turned again and Solange told me "....that's Dustin!" (my nephew) I looked again and it was!! I reached out to him and held his hand and wispered "te amo" to him....this means I love you in portuguese, and he wispered "te amo" back to me. I looked again forward again to my son David (LD), breathed deeply and from there I couldn't hold back. I felt it all at that point. I so wanted Tony to be here, LD infront of me and Dustin behind me and there....the foodgates were open. I couldn't stop. LD came to me and said to me "I love you Mom" it makes me want to cry again just reading this and then the music started. She is beautiful. Courtney came down in a glass elevator to meet her father waiting for her to give her to my son. He is marrying into a nice family, I really couldn't have asked for better in-laws. they always make me feel comfortable. "Bev and Doug". I'm still sitting there trying to stop crying and someone brings me a tissue. Half way through the vows the photographer is blocking my view. It's like I was invisible. Didn't he realize what he was doing? I was missing it! Doug even tried to tell him to move and he didn't!!
As much as I hated missing this part it did give me time to compose myself.
Then it was over, they didn't want the exchange of vows to be long and it wasn't.
After that we all retired to the outer room to be announced, LD and Courtney went up the elevator, it was picture time.
The wedding was very beautiful thanks to Bev and Doug.

Same Mistake-James Blunt

2008-05-18T20:14:00.004-04:00

Alot has been happening at the homefront....

2008-05-18T19:44:00.004-04:00

Everyday I think of my baby, I go by the house of the new owner of the Expedition twice everyday. No, I'm not stalking the new owners like my kids like to say. It's on the way to and from my job so....I don't know if it's good or bad to do this but I feel bad when I miss a day, they keep it in the garage so sometimes I'm disappointed but when the garage door is open I see it and just go "awww". Is this sick? I really don't care if it is. I feel closer to him when I do see the SUV.
It's been kind of rough these months, more than usual from March to May. My Tony was born on the 4th of March and that day when I lost him was on the 13th of April. Tony's wake was the 15th of May. I lost my father on the 9th of April in 1999. I named my Tony after my Dad. These months I guess are the worst. I miss him terribly every day. Time keeps going and it's like I left him back there in 2004 at 23. Now I have my other son David who will be 23 on July 26 this year. He will be married this coming saturday the 24th of May. Tony would've been Best Man at this wedding. There's no question LD said, the brothers were so close. I love LD but I'm sort of going through the motions. I know it's a special day for him but LD and Courtney have been together for 4 years. They met right after the accident. You can say we pushed them together my mother my daughters and I. We thought she was a good girl from the start. Solange was the one who helped LD pick out the engagement ring.
Solange has been attending the Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy in Orlando. She made "Honor Role" this very first grading period. I'm so proud of her and I know Tony would be too, he'd be beaming. Afterall, he helped me raise her.

2008-04-13T18:20:00.003-04:00

From Chris D.
Its been 4 years since i lost one of my best friends......he was a great friend,almost like the big brother i never had....he was very much loved and will always be in our hearts...... much love hommie....antonio mendes austin...love and miss u!!!!

From April marking Tony's "anniversary"

2008-04-13T16:13:00.003-04:00

In about one hour will mark the 4 yr anniversary of my brothers death. i miss him so much and pray that he is looking down upon everyone smiling. this is a poem that i wrote for him last year and would love anyone and everyone to read it if they havent already.

it is on my page already but i have added a little
more to it now that i have a son.... this sums up just about how i feel..

WHERE DO I START?

NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU
REALLY MEANT TO ME-
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I
CAN MAKE THEM SEE-
THAT I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ARE
A BIG PART OF MY HEART-
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER EVEN
THOUGH WE ARE APART-

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR FLAWS-
AND NOW THAT I AM WITHOUT YOU
I FEEL SO EMPTY AND SMALL-
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND DREAM
OF YOU NEAR-
BUT WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I
CAN SEE ARE TEARS-

YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO-
YOU WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND
SAY "GIRL YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU"-
YOU USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE OK-
YOU WOULD HOLD ME TIGHT AND
WIPE MY TEARS AWAY-

I KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR PHONE
CALL ASKING IF I CAN TALK-
AND SEE IF I CAN COME OVER SO
WE CAN GO ON OUR LONG WALK-
I CHERISH EVERY MEMORY AND
MOMENT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER-
I WILL HOLD THEM IN MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER-

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU HAD TO GO AWAY-
AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I COULD
OF DONE TO HAVE MADE YOU STAY-
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER, "WHAT IF
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE?"-
WOULD I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU
ONLY THROUGH MY PRAYERS?-

THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT GIVE
TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK IN TIME-
JUST TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
AND HOLD YOU JUST ONE MORE TIME-
YOU HELD EVERYONE TOGETHER THAT
MUCH I CAN SAY IS TRUE-
YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
AND WISH TO SEE YOU SOON-

I CANT IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD
HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT YOU-
I JUST WISH THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD
HAVE KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TOO-
SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE-
SO WHEN SHE DOES FINALLY MEET YOU
YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS-

ANOTHER YEAR HAS GONE BY
AND NOW I HAVE A SON-
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN
HEAVEN SMILING FROM ABOVE-
EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NEVER
MET YOU FACE TO FACE-
I KNOW THAT WHEN HE LOOKS UP ABOVE
AND SMILES, HE IS LOOKING UPON YOUR FACE-

I WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE TO HELP
TEACH HIM ALL ABOUT THINGS IN LIFE-
GUIDING HIM THROUGH THE HARD TIMES
AND NOT LETTING HIM LOSE SITE-
SOMEONE HE COULD CONFIDE IN WHEN
MOMMY AND DADDY DONT UNDERSTAND-
TO CATCH HIM WHEN HE FALLS OR JUST
NEEDS A LOVING HAND-

I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE THERE IN SPIRIT
TO GUIDE THEM THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD-
YOU WILL BE THERE IN THEIR HEARTS WHEN
THEY ARE FEELING ALONE AND SAD-
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH THEM EVEN THOUGH
YOU ARE APART-
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US IN SPIRIT
AND IN OUR HEARTS-

I LOVE YOU TONY

IN MEMORY OF ANTONIO
03-04-1981 TO 04-13-2004

WRITTEN BY APRIL

Tony's Birth Day

2008-03-13T18:50:00.004-04:00

I have been wanting to come here and write something for my baby but it's been so hard. On March 4th 1981 I gave birth to my beautiful boy who grew into such a handsome Man. A Man with morals and standards, decency and honor. I couldn't be more proud. I have always been so proud.
The loss, the void is there, can't hide from it. Time really doesn't heal. not this kind of pain. It's so hard for me to wake up every morning. But I think about him every second.
I found the new owner to Tony's expedition. I found the truck on the way to work one morning when I was trying a new short cut. Now, needless to say, I take that way to work and come home that way everyday. I pass the house, the expedition is pretty much always there when I pass. I say to myself "there's my baby's truck" everytime I see it. If I could I'd buy it back, fix it up.
March usually starts off the "more depressed months". I struggle everyday but March is when he was born, April is when I lost both my Dad (the 9th) and my son (the 13th).
Tony is Dad's namesake, Antonio. Dad died at 66, also too young. I wish they were both still here.
Ld will be married in May and Tony won't be here. Solange wants me to wear Tony's brown suit jacket. I want to take his hat. I may take both, reserve a seat and place his things on it.
I pray Jehovah give me the strength to go on for the rest. But I'd rather go to sleep and end the pain.

HOW WISH YOU WERE HERE MY TONY

2008-02-12T00:21:00.001-05:00

WISH YOU WERE HERE by PINK FLOYED
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

translations....

2008-01-18T01:07:00.001-05:00

To know me is to understand that I speak two languages, portuguese and english. I grew up in the USA but I was born in Brazil to a brazilian family immigrated to the USA but lived in a brazilian community so sometimes it is easier for me to express myself and how I'm feeling in one language more than the other. Just bear with me. If you want a translation, you know where I am.

Aproveite oque é importante....

2008-01-18T01:01:00.002-05:00

always appreciate what is important.

Carinhos....

2008-01-18T00:34:00.000-05:00

This is me and my Baby lovin' on his momma, his Má like he used to call me. It took me so long to be able to get my sister to send me this but I finally have it. I remember the day we took this. I've been asking for it since he went away. Almost 4 years. I can't believe it's been 4 yrs. I hate to think about the time lost without him. It's like time went on and he's still there in April 13, 2004. I love this boy. The pain is so hard to bear. I always wish I was with him. I never thought it could happen to "us" . I'll never think like that again.

Tristeza não tem fim....

2008-01-13T17:04:00.001-05:00

A FELICIDADE
Tristeza não tem fim, felicidade sim.
A felicidade é como a gota de orvalho numa pétala de flor
Brilha tranquila depois de leve oscila e cai como uma lágrima de amor.
A felicidade do pobre parece a grande ilusão do carnaval
A gente trabalha o ano inteiro por um momento de sonho
Pra fazer a fantasia de rei ou de pirata ou jardineira pra tudo se acabar na quarta feira.
Tristeza não tem fim, felicidade sim.
A felicidade é como a pluma que o vento vai levando pelo ar
Voa tão leve Mas tem a vida breve precisa que haja vento sem parar.
A minha felicidade está sonhando nos olhos da minha namorada
É como esta noite passando, passando em busca da madrugada
Falem baixo, por favor prá que ela acorde alegre como o dia
Oferecendo beijos de amor tristeza não tem fim Felicidade sim....

There is no end to sadness, there is to happiness.

2008 another New Year

2008-01-01T00:06:00.000-05:00

I'm missing you so much my baby boy. I love you and think about you constantly in whatever I do. Everything reminds me of you. Another year has come and gone without you, I can't believe I'm still here. You will forever live in my heart.

Como é Grande o Meu Amor por Você

2007-12-29T23:14:00.002-05:00

Traditions

2007-12-20T23:36:00.004-05:00

Solange has been staying with her brother, LD. She says everything is fine there. I miss her though. We've never been apart for this long.
This is a bad time of year. I don't celebrate the holiday's but if I were to visit the mall, with all the reminders everywhere I know that it would just depress me knowing another year has passed without Tony.
Ever since I can remember New Years Eve has been remembered this way....My father, who's also no longer here, would gather all four of us kids and my mom would sit indian style on the floor, holding hands say a prayer. As I child I viewed this as OUR tradition. Dad would be silent, I know he was praying. He never told me what for but I figured it was to thank God Jehovah for another year passed that we're here, survived in one piece and to guide us and protect us for yet another year, keep us safe and together.
I carried on this tradition and the kids always indulged me. No matter where they were if they weren't already home with me they would stop where ever they were, most times with friends in tow come home and as the clock struck they'd be holding on to me.
The first year without Tony was bad, all I could do was cry saying over and over "my baby, my baby" as I held onto baby Alyssa. I don't know if I scared Tony and April C. or not but I needed that moment.
The second year I was at my inlaw's to be house Bev and Doug's. I held back the tears but got violently ill in their bathroom. I cleaned up after myself so I don't think anyone noticed. It must have been my nerves, holding my tears back gave me such a migrane.
The third time LD left his party, Solange and Schivone came home from the same party all so I wouldn't be alone.
This year LD took me out to dinner. Solange, My mom, Brian and me. Courtney was home getting ready for the party they were going to after dinner. Schivone wasn't with me. I think LD took me to dinner to ease his conscience. I told him he didn't have to do that. My mom and Solange got back to my mom's place. I felt very lonely. More than I thought I would. I missed having all my kids close.

2007-11-25T23:24:00.000-05:00

Frases De Famosos - Recados e imagens

translation: "If the eyes really were the window to the soul, all who would see me laugh, would cry with me"...Kurt Cobain

"When you lose a child, you also then lose you...."

2007-11-25T09:10:00.003-05:00

I love this poem. Again this woman speaks what's in my heart. Only someone who has suffered such a loss can understand. I wish I could express myself so beautifully.
I miss him every minute of every hour of everyday. My life was meaningful then. I can remember being told what happened and I too died that day. I only exist now and this is only for the sake of my remaining kids. Not because I love them any less but because as a whole they were my life. I miss my baby so much. At the time he was 209lbs. 6’5” and 23yo but still my baby.
With turkey day passing I miss him even more. I loved cooking for him. He loved my food. I remembered one year he took different samplings and went to the neighbors to offer a taste. He invited families over who wouldn’t otherwise get any turkey that day! I'd come home from work, I'm a single mom and always worked the holidays, and there would be strangers in my home he'd have to introduce me to!
What a heart!! Freaky sometimes, but just another side of his generosity. (Smiles)
I miss his presence, his personality, all his qualities, I miss my baby.
Thank you again Lyndie.

Another anniversary of the day that I lost you
It's really very simple, that day I lost me too
Although I try to find the me that I used to be
I will never find that person, for she is lost to me

I know it sounds confusing to those that have no clue
That when you lose a child, you also then lose you
It sounds like one big riddle that I should work on through
But there is not an answer, not one thing I can do

Grief is what has come to me and changed me from within
It has burrowed deep inside of me, like it's a second skin
No one should live on this way but there was little choice
When grief was handed out to me, I didn't have a voice

I often wonder who I am since losing my sweet child
In the world in which I live in, I've been forced into denial
With every anniversary that marks another year
Are thoughts that come from others, that my pain should disappear

I am a mother who has lost a child on a tragic day
And with that loss it took my dreams, and visions far away
I would have chose to leave instead, for life is not so good
For all that ever mattered, was my son and motherhood

Lyndie Sorenson
©copyright July 2007

Still missing you....

2007-11-21T04:08:00.000-05:00

Visions of yesterday deep in my heart
When you were still here and we weren't apart
Memories of my child from the day he was born
To the moment he left... now for you I do mourn
Your smile, your laughter, so terribly missed
Each of your hugs, a goodbye, and a kiss
Never once, had I thought of such terrible pain
The one left behind ... the one to remain
After years of this grief you would think I'd be fine
Don't they say everything heals with time?
Tears held within, a mask placed on my face
I hide to the world what I wish to erase
Dreams for my child will never come true
Aspirations he once so happily pursued
How is it life took this dreadful wrong turn?
How is it you will not ever return?
Sometimes I feel as though I'm insane
Keeping this so locked inside me...contained
I just want to scream to the world I MISS YOU
Wish that there were something that I could do
I guess I will have to live life as I do
Wondering just how it is I get through
With visions of yesterday deep in my heart
When you were still with me... and we weren't apart.

Lyndie Sorenson
© November 2007

Capable hands....

2007-11-15T06:04:00.000-05:00

Solange reminded me tonight of a little something, relating to Tony ofcourse. She has always slept with her door cracked open till this day. Now I know why. Tony always told her not to ever lock her door and this was because as he said, if there was ever a fire, if the door was locked how would he be able to save her in time.
As I mentioned before Tony was always very mature for his age. I have been separated from my husband since 1993, to which by the way the divorce became final the 24th of October this year, I wish I could afford to celebrate. Getting back to the subject, Tony was 12 when his father and I separated and I couldn't have left the children in more capable hands. Life would've been alittle easier if their dad wasn't a deadbeat and helped with alittle child support. I wouldn't have had to be gone all the time at work, holding down 2-3 jobs at a time.
I was driving Tony to his doctor's appointment the week before the tragedy happened and my life changed forever, when I lost my greatest gift, I had a chance to tell him that we couldn't have made it as far as we did if it hadn't been for him. He was my answered prayer.

Memories of Tony

2007-11-08T00:57:00.000-05:00

Been thinking alot about my baby lately. I put a foto up of him with his beautiful smile. He was looking at me in this pic. It was taken at the expresso bar in Inverness. Schivone was trying to make him laugh while she was on the Karaoke. You who know Schivone she doesn't stop at anything unless she makes you crack. Amanda and Brian were there, so was Lance. And Tony was trying so hard not to laugh at Schivone, he wasn't in that great a mood. She was trying so hard acting like her goofy self. Tony couldn't hold back anymore and looked at me as if to say "Oh my God, this person will stop at nothing" and he finally looked at me cracked this beautiful smile. I miss him so much.
If you guys can think of a memory of Tony that made him/you smile please post it. I'd love to hear it.
Rosane

From Amanda T. - *Memories of Tony* this ones for you Rosane, I remember when Brian brought his little gas scooter over and Tony was riding it!! Tony was so tall he had to bend his knees to hold on to it!! I will never forget watching him ride around the block in the middle of the night and listening for the sound of the scooter when he was comin back around the corner. The funniest part about the whole thing was that he was so tall and the scooter was so little.

From Andy D. - The memory that hits me the most is when Tony got his moms car stuck in the sand at ivy chase apartments and at like 3a.m Tony came beaten on my window to help him push his moms car out before she found out. lol It took us hours and yes Rosane, LD was there. lol Sorry for the snitchen' but i hope it brings a smile. We will always love you Tony.
love, Andy D.

Memories of Tony* for Mama:
Chris D. - Well, this one time it was ld, tony, brian and i and we were all out all hours of the night being young and dumb...drunk playing in the rich neighborhoods...we were in a neighborhood that was just getting developed...ld and i were about 11 and 12, tony and brian were like 15 or 16....we all had been drinking and having fun...we seen this big old hill that had 2 have been created by the bull dosers from the sub division...tony said lets all c who can get 2 the top first...so we all ran up the hill...as drunk as we were we all made it 2 the top!....we hung out up there for awile and chilled...we were all just joking around up there for awile...then tony pushed brian just playing around and he rolled all the way down this hill, it must of been 15 2 20 high...brian was doing back flips all the way down the hill...when he got 2 the bottom he stood up on his feet and didnt really know what happened...we all couldnt stop laughing...it was so funny...well that one of the many times ma...love u!!!

"Solangie" - I miss my BIG brother so much!! ofcourse we all have lots of awesome memories of him .. Heather reminded me awhile ago about the first time i went to go ride on her fourwheeler and he was drivin us back to her house and he kept askin questions about it, lookin out for me and my safety lol, Tony asked if i had a helmet, i said no and he slammed on the breaks, whipped the car around and he went and got me his helmet out of the house. lmao... wakin him up was always fun, lol he'd stretch out his entire body, his eyes would be poppin out and the whole time he's doin this, he's takin in the biggest breath u could imagine and when he was done he'd say 'whats up?' in his groggy voice...I used to tell him it was like a bear comin out of hibernation. i miss the goofy face he used to do when he'd talk to me like a lil kid.. THANK GOD i have a picture of that.. its on the fridge, lol its so perfect too cause i started callin him 'ton' (tone lol) and i had just said 'i love you ton' and he did the goofy face and said 'i love you too solan' and i started crackin up laughin! ok ok ok i could be here all day but ill just give u one more lol.... the day i told him i wanted him to walk me down the isle when i got married... he smiled, gave me a big hug and said ofcourse and my mom told me later that when i left the room, he looked at her,his face lit up and he told her he felt honored.
I couldnt begin to describe in words exactly how much i miss him...his hugs, his voice/laugh or just his presence in a room and i thank God that i made that phone call the night before he passed away and my last words were 'I love you'.

Tiffany D. - Miss everything about him. I miss how he use to just hold me. The conversations we use to have. He was easy to talk too. I miss how when I was carrying his baby he catered to my every need. I didn't want for nothing. He made sure life was easy for me. He not only told he loved me but showed it. I miss play fighting with him. He was the tallest person at my mother's wedding and he had caught the garter that goes on the woman's leg. Nobody had a chance with his tall behind. Love and miss you Tony. I still can't believe he is gone!!!

Heather L. - So one memory always pops into my mind, when I think about Tony.
It was when you guys were living on Citrus Way by Centrailia RD. Solange and I were about 11 years old. Tony was taking Solange and I back to my house for her to Sleep over. We were in the back seat of his Prelude talking about riding my 4 wheeler and stuff, when Tony heard that, He SLAMS on his brakes and says we're turning around to get a helmet for Solange. It just shows how much he cared and what a fatherly type of guy he was to his little sister.
This memory always brings a smile to my face. Heather

Amanda T - My last memory of Tony was the last time I saw him....Tony and LD came up to my grandmothers house to see Devon after he was born....It was probably about the beginning of March, Devon was only a couple months old. Devon got the cutest Old Navy overalls, I still have them. LD was so scared to hold Devon cause he was still so little but Tony just picked him right up and walked around with him. I wish that Brian could've been there to see Tony with Devon. We went out to eat at Golden Corral and then took pictures in the parking lot. Tony got up in the truck with Devon at the wheel and LD took pictures of them. I wish I knew where that camera ended up, it was Tonys camera.

Dreaming

2007-11-02T01:25:00.000-04:00

I dream alot about Tony. In my dreams he's at different stages in his life. When I dream though alot of the times it's when he's young. Last night for instance in my dream he was about three years old. He still had his blond hair (it got darker as he grew older) and in my dream he was running around the house in his underwear. I was chasing him, hugging and kissing on him.
I was reading about the meaning of dreams and it said that when you dream about children that perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured.
To dream that your own grown children are still very young, indicates that you still see them as young and dependent. You want to feel needed and significant. I guess that's true on both counts for me. My son's life was cut short at 23. He still had alot of growing to do and alot of life to live. At 23 I was still taking care of him when he got sick. I really miss doing things for him. He always made me feel needed.

why doesn't she leave us alone?

2007-11-01T02:46:00.000-04:00

I have a "My Space" account. It's private. Only for close friends and family. I made it in dedication to my son Tony. It's a place where all his friends that have an internet connection can feel closer to us and we to them. I have affection for the boys he grew up with, some of them even call me mom. But ever since this past spring I haven't had much peace with the space because my son's killer also has a page and keeps trying to lie herself onto Tony's friends list. I guess it's her way of holding on to her past with Tony? Warped, I know considering she's the reason he's not here anymore. She also knows this upsets me and she even mentions me to them trying to gain sympathy.
Everyday I question the evidence the police overlooked. If I had 10K I'm sure she'd be behind bars. Everynight I pray for justice to be done. When I think about how that shot could've been made up to 4ft away, her aim, where the bullet hit him.... before I even say it people say she did it.

"God only knows what I'd be without you...."

2007-09-24T02:33:00.000-04:00

When I would think of my children and how much I love them and lived only for them one of the songs that come to mind is from the Beach Boys "God only knows". I love my children so much. But since Tony's been gone I feel like I'm in a zombie state. It's like I've reached that part of the lyrics where it says,
"If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you."
As a mother I had found no other greater love, real love, on this earth. But then you lose your child in some unnatural way, a part of you also dies. I go on as everyone expects me to but I'm not living, 'the world could show nothing to me' now. Everything has been thrown out of balance. My lust for life is gone. I just exist.

She's the Baby

2007-09-03T14:47:00.001-04:00

My Baby turned 20 this week (August). Tony would've been so proud of his little sister. LD had a theme party for her at his house. The theme was "Disco". When I saw the photos it looked more like they took their cue from the Austin Powers trilogy movies, the "60's". Solange, LD, Joe, Schivone and Chris M. looked like they had it right but as far as the others they looked more like the "60's" GO-GO dancers. What's hilarious is when I tried to give my input, they said they got their idea from the internet. But hello? I was there, "back in the day" I know what I was wearing. The internet wan't even invented yet. Kids, they know everything.

Time is so short

2007-07-23T04:25:00.001-04:00

My uncle Libby passed away on the 4th. While fireworks went off outside at 9:20pm my uncle passed away. I haven't seen him in years, my family is pretty spread out, but I do vividly remember him. The memorial was last saturday. I didn't go. My grandfather passed away last year and now my uncle. What a cruel world we live in. We always lose the good ones so soon. These ones that make a real impact in our lives and future generations. What a short time we all have here. I remember them in my life as I was growing up. They made such a difference in how I turned out, even affecting my children as a chain reaction if you look closely. I know they loved me, they were very caring, loving and affectionate. Strange as it may seem I felt beautiful around them, they made me feel so special. I think this has alot has to do with the confidence I gave my children in their appearance and their beauty inside and out. I thank my uncles and my grandfather, my grandmother, my cousins, one in particular, always made me feel special.

2007-07-23T04:05:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to talk or write too much lately about my Tony. You can never predict when you'll be hit the hardest as far as the time of the year goes. What I mean is some people feel you will "feel" harder hit by your loss during the holidays and when this happens you have the dreaded feeling "here comes the holidays" hold on tight feelings, (reminds me of that song by Phill Collins) then there's the climax (this also reminds me of labor pains) then the time you need to recupe after all those feelings surfaced during those months. But then there's the anniversary of the occurence, then there's the birthday, mother's day, I can go on and on I guess because you never really have a good period after this. Isn't that weird? As I write this I'm kinda realizing it even though I already knew this.
Well needless to say mother's day and the anniversary has passed and I still couldn't bring myself to write on the blog or even talk about it without being all of a sudden hit with the void in my heart, the pain.
Today I talked to my aunt Nina. For the first time I actually told her how we really lost my Tony. Very few people knew. I told everyone it was his heart. The family is so spread out I thought I could just tell everyone that and at the same time be truthfull. He DID have Cardiomegaly, an enlarged heart, he, figuaratively speaking also had a huge heart, and lastly and sadly he was shot in the heart. I didn't want to do alot of explaining. For me not talking about it sometimes I could deny it happened. Because I never saw him that day I could go on imagining him walking through my front door. Then there are times you HAVE to talk about it and it's as if my lips are moving and audible words are coming out but I feel like I'm having an out of body experience looking at myself tell the story but it's monotone, I don't understand any of it. I'm telling the story, like a script. It's still not REAL.

letting go....not even.

2007-07-03T22:59:00.001-04:00

I haven't written in awhile. Been kind of depressed. We had to get rid of the Expedition. Tony's SUV. Don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic, the Expedition was already 10 years old, it's just that it belonged to Tony but I couldn't afford another transmission for it. We traded it in for a 2005 GrandAm with under 40K miles. Goes to show how much of himself Tony put into the Expedition though. Custom color, bodywork, rims. When the trade was being processed the lady at the credit union said it would be sold at an auction and taken out of state. She said this is what usually happens. It cost alot of tears turning it over. It would be cruel we thought to see it around town driven by someone else, belonging to another family. But then yesterday my daughter was told by her bestfriend she saw it at a dealership the next town over. If I could afford to I'd buy it back, she was crushed, I can understand that.

2007-06-13T06:23:00.001-04:00

2007-06-10T02:37:00.001-04:00

Spent the day with my mom today. I can make her laugh and this makes me happy. My mom has been through so much in her life I admire her. There are some really cruel people in this world and in my mom's case you don't have to look very far. These are people who when they want to hurt you they go for the jugular. These are people I am sure pray for forgiveness everynight yet are doing the unforgiveable everyday. I call that living a double life. My mom doesn't deserve this. I love and appreciate her everyday more and more. She's my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her and pray that I won't have to know for a very long while yet, if ever.
I love you mom.

"Your Picture" by Gloria Estefan

2007-06-01T23:45:00.002-04:00

Every day I wake up to your picture
Open up my eyes and there's still you
In the very corner I first placed you
The very same expression
That lights up all of my room

Though the colors may be somewhat faded
The smile has almost vanished from your face
As you disappear I re-invent you
From my imagination
You'll never be erased

There is no way to bargain with the future
In the end there are no guarantees... oh no
Even if you're gone I'll always find you
Right here where I left you
Smiling back at me

(chorus)
Every star has a season, a moment, a reason to be
We may watch with regret as they flicker then die
But at least for one second we bathed in the light
of their passing
The memory is still lasting
Through the years and the distance your image remains
LIke the first day I saw you, you'll never be changed
As a token you left me your picture

Every day I wake up to your picture
I fashion you a different attitude
Try to visualize the things you're doing
Not in desperation
Just to feel a part of you

There is no way to bargain with the future
What we have in store we can't forsee... oh no
Even if you're gone I'll always find you
Right here where I left you
Smiling back at me

(Repeat chorus)

2007-05-30T15:25:00.000-04:00

This was a long weekend. I stayed in and hid in my bedroom for the most part. I kept thinking about how if Tony had been here he would have had a huge bbq at his house. He loved to be surrounded by his friends and family. I really miss my Tony.

2007-05-28T20:41:00.002-04:00

More on mean people. Seems you can never get away from them. One thing for sure though, being separated since 1993 there have been many times when I felt that I wouldn't have been so mistreated or disrespected had their been a man around. But, as Tony got older, I had less 'mean people' to deal with. I felt protected and safe from undesirables. If I were at the mall or grocery shopping with Tony if a man looked at me for too long or said something Tony thought disrespectful, Tony would say something to him, not just stare them down but say something to get them back in check. To Tony, disrespecting me or anyone in his family you would be disrespecting him. This is how any self respecting man acted, I thought. My dad was like this, my uncles, my grandfather. Your mother, your family was number #1. Have times changed so much? Wherever Tony went his presence demanded respect, his voice, his stature. But now, I feel like a sitting duck, very vulnerable. I've lost my bodyguard. I'm latin, mother's are sacred! I felt special with Tony, he made me feel special not to mention very proud, so very proud. When I lost Tony I lost all that.

2007-05-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

This is a beautiful dedication written to my son from April. Seeing this makes me happy? to remember how much of an impact Tony had on other peoples lives. When I tell people he was special there are people who actually know what I mean. This is what April wrote for Tony on the day he would be 26 years old and I love you April for remembering him this way....

TO MY BROTHER

WHERE DO I START?

NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU
REALLY MEANT TO ME
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I
CAN MAKE THEM SEE
THAT I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ARE
A BIG PART OF MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER EVEN
THOUGH WE ARE APART

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR FLAWS
AND NOW THAT I AM WITHOUT YOU
I FEEL SO EMPTY AND SMALL
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND DREAM
OF YOU NEAR
BUT WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I
CAN SEE ARE TEARS
YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO
YOU WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND
SAY "GIRL YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU"
YOU USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE OK
YOU WOULD HOLD ME TIGHT AND
WIPE MY TEARS AWAY

I KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR PHONE
CALL ASKING IF I CAN TALK
AND SEE IF I CAN COME OVER SO
WE CAN GO ON OUR LONG WALK
I CHERISH EVERY MEMORY AND
MOMENT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER
I WILL HOLD THEM IN MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU HAD TO GO AWAY
AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I COULD
OF DONE TO HAVE MADE YOU STAY
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER, "WHAT IF
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE?"
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU
ONLY THROUGH MY PRAYERS?

THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT GIVE
TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK IN TIME
JUST TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
AND HOLD YOU JUST ONE MORE TIME
YOU HELD EVERYONE TOGETHER THAT
MUCH I CAN SAY IS TRUE
YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
AND WISH TO SEE YOU SOON

I CANT IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD
HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT YOU
I JUST WISH THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD
HAVE KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TOO
SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE
SO WHEN SHE DOES FINALLY MEET YOU
YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS

IN MEMORY OF ANTONIO
03-04-1981 TO 04-13-2004

WRITTEN BY APRIL

2007-05-28T03:16:00.001-04:00

I've had one message emailed to me since I started this blog. I already have a hard time sleeping, this person just made it worse. Their email wasn't to say "sorry for your loss" or anything like that. That person was EXACTLY from the lot that called the social worker and the one who compared my loss to her losing her dog that I mentioned earlier in my blog. Why is it if people can't say anything upbuilding they just don't keep their mouths shut? Especially reading my blog and seeing the pain I have to deal with on a daily bases? That person didn't even leave a return email or anything. If they were genuinely trying to help why did they stay anonymous so I couldn't write them back? I mention in my blog that I'm reaching out to people with the same experiences, since I can't find anyone to "listen" I'm talking through my blog. I'm so glad God is my only judge, the one that matters, because if God had chosen people like you to judge there would be absolutely no hope for me.

Tony's Sleeping

2007-05-25T05:27:00.000-04:00

I am confident in the Bible's promises of a new world, God's Kingdom. The Bible promises a resurrection and for the meek to inherit the earth. The dead are conscience of nothing at all as stated in Ecclesiastes. So, I imagine Tony sleeping and that soon he will be awakened. It gives me some comfort to think of my son that way and to look forward to seeing him again. God did not intend for us to kill or be killed. The whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, Satan.
Tony is resting. This thought and knowing that it is impossible for God to lie is what gives me some form of peace.

Some of my Favorite Peoms

2007-05-24T23:18:00.001-04:00

What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
by Kelly Cummings

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, She is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

A Mother's Grief
by
Kelly Cummings

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.

I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

Kelly Cummings
12/8/03

SORROW IS HER DAILY FARE

She looked into the mirror and
it's a stranger that she saw.
The cold blank eyes, the wrinkled hand,
she knows this girl no more.

She aged so on that warm [April] day
as she told her son goodbye,
for he had traveled in harms way,
but why did he have to die?

The [dark brown] eyes that looked at her
from the mirror on the wall
looked straight ahead and could only stare
for they'd lost love most of all.

The skin is pinched now from the tears
that flow more every day
the face looked older than it's years,
grief does that...that's it's way.

The girl that was his Mother
now looks so old and worn.
she has only his memories
that began when he was born.

Now sorrow is her daily fare
and a blankness in her eyes,
it's from a death she cannot bear....
it's when a dear son dies.

Maureen Elliott
for her
son, Paul

Words that Hurt/Words that Heal

2007-05-24T23:11:00.000-04:00

I found this site by Kelly Cummings at http://www.geocities.com/for_grieving_moms/index.html of what to say and what not to say that was really helpful:

Words That Hurt

“You just need to have more faith.”

“This is nature’s way.”

“God doesn’t make mistakes.”

“God only takes the good.”

“I know just how you feel.”

“You don’t need to feel that way.”

“Don’t cry.”

“You must be strong for the sake of your children.”

“At least he didn’t suffer.”

“Everything will be all right.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

“Be brave.”

“Every cloud has a silver lining.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“If you look around, you’ll find lots of people who are worse off.”

“You should be over this by now.”

“You’ve got to pull yourself together.”

“Just try a little harder.”

“There must be some reason for this.”

“Make yourself more attractive; a fine man (or woman) will come and sweep you off your feet.”

“If there’s anything I can do, just call me.”

“God must really love you a lot.”

“It must have been his time.”

“Be thankful you have another child.”

Words that Heal

“I am so sorry.”

“I care.”

“I love you.”

“I’m here with you.”

“I’m available.”

“I’m listening.”

“I feel so bad.”

“I feel so helpless.”

“I share your sorrow.”

“Go ahead and cry--I’ll cry with you.”

“Life is sometimes very difficult.”

“It’s all right to cry.”

“It’s okay to be angry.”

“I know you are hurting right now.”

“Words fail me.”

“What are you feeling right now?”

“How may I help you?”

“This must be very painful for you.”

“I have no idea what it must be like for you. I’ve never experienced what you’re going through. Can you tell me what it’s like?”

“This must be so hard to accept.”

“I really miss__________. He/She was a special person.”

2007-05-24T14:12:00.000-04:00

I've written about how I have felt from time to time on these posts but even being the one going through this it's so hard to describe. The other day I was visiting with a friend of my daughter's, I hardly go anywhere but to Dr's appointments but I was out giving my youngest some moral support. She was on an interview for a new job and I sat in the car. I got bored and since Solange had left her cell phone in the car I dialed Schivone. She asked me if I would stop by since I was so close to the house she had just moved into and wanted me to meet her new room mate, Kenny. He was a very nice guy. He knew my background, I'm sure Schivone had clued him in about Tony. He made me and Solange feel very comfortable. We all visited for alittle while and then Schivone had to go to bed, she had to get up early for work. He asked me to stay alittle while longer, I thought that was so sweet, normally I wouldn't have but I did agree, just a few more minutes I thought. Ends up he knows someone from my past, and we were going on and on about how small this world was and then suddenly, he asked me how I felt, I could tell what he meant but since no one had ever really asked me that before I kinda froze. I was caught off guard thinking that, "wow, no one has ever asked me" and he had this sincere concerned look on his face. He even started to "help" me describe what couldn't come out of my mouth. "Sadness?" I shook my head yes, "void?" I thought, and the expression on my face must've shown "you got it!, a Void!!". Then he asked me "void of what?". In my head I couldn't find the right word again and he said "happiness?" and I said "YES". Deep in my gut, my heart, my soul, a void. He didn't remind me of the fact that I had 3 other children to live for, he didn't tell me about how much the future has yet to offer. He stopped, told me he was sorry for my loss and that was it. Smart guy.

Mean People

2007-05-19T04:26:00.000-04:00

At first I couldn't talk to anybody. I was so irritated at people that would say things like "I know how you feel....My dad died, (my dad died in 1999, not the same) my grandmother died, (my grandmother died in 1995, again, not the same) my dog died." Can you believe that one?? "My dog died." I wanted to slap that person but I just had to remember there are some really stupid people in this world and we should really feel sorry for them. I couldn't say anything as she told me her story. This wasn't a kid either! This was a lady in her early to mid thirties, telling me the story of how she suffered when her dog died! As I was watching this person tell her story, I was in such shock trying everything to keep from lungeing at her and telling her how stupid she sounded. "Time heals all wounds, blah, blah, I remember when my dog died, blah, blah, I cried everyday, and my husband got so sick of me crying everyday for 2 weeks he went out one afternoon and brought me home a new puppy." Is she nut's?? Two weeks isn't going to be enough for me to get over this you idiot!! And nothing can replace my SON!! Least of all a new puppy for crying out loud!!
Needless to say I isolated myself. I was feeling suicidal and these people were going to put me over the edge. Maybe they thought they were being helpful but they were just making matters worse. It made me not want to see anybody. It was as if I had to justify the way I was feeling to everyone.
Looking back to the first year I wonder how I got out of that black hole alive. People were just mean. Absolutely no emotional support. I had never felt so alone in my life.
When I lost Tony I was caring for an elderly woman. She died one month later. She had battled with cancer for awhile, the family decided to call hospice and within a couple days of hospice taking over she passed away. After that I couldn't find a job. I ended up working for that elderly womans grandson who owned a telemarketing room. I thought since I couldn't be much use with anything too complicated I could read a one page script and work an automated dialer.
I did pretty good for awhile. But you could do out of this world good, it was never enough. My new boss and his secretary/lover would still treat you like slime. I stuck it out. I had bills to pay. Then I found a new job, time share resales, new boss, same lot. I'm not cut out for this type of work. I'm still working for the same lady but it's from home, I couldn't deal with the office politics. I'm working for the same lady still but now we do credit restoration and I dial from home now sending interested ones to my boss, she does the close. Telesales is for the desperate, really. I wish I could be doing something else.
I don't make enough to pay my bills. I've tried applying for other jobs but haven't been able to get anything else. Small town. It's who you know. I signed up for a medical transcription course online. As soon as I'm done with the course I know my financial future will improve.
I wish there was something else I could do right now to make alittle extra money. Didn't have to be a whole lot. The expedition needs a transmission. I don't think it's going to last much longer. David, who was helping us hold on to Tony's expedition finally got his own car. Solange took over last year with the loan payments and insurance. She does fine keeping up the payments but replace a transmission? You can't pull $2000.00 out of thin air

The Pain

2007-05-19T00:13:00.000-04:00

I fight with these thoughts everyday and everynight. To be put out of my misery. I pray everynight. In the beginning it was to wake up and realize that this was all a just a really bad nightmare and everything would be the way it was. Tony would be here, my four kids would be here. I would pray; Dear God, nothing is impossible for you, bring Tony back to me. I would envision a time machine and I could go back and be there with him at that precise moment when it was all happening and get him out of that situation. But if that couldn't be then don't let me wake up. Let me sleep, give me a deep deep sleep in death so I wouldn't feel any more pain. These are morbid thoughts I know but don't judge me or tell me to look for help because aside from the meds there is nothing anyone can do. Don't tell me as time goes by things will get better because the pain is now and it's unbearable. I can't sleep. No one is watching so I can cry into my pillow thinking about all the stages of Tony's life, all the kids really, from the time they were tiny when I could watch over them, keep them safe by me, close to me and protect them to the time they started to grow and become independent. Something we teach them from the time they're infants, to do things on their own so they can face the world when the time comes, and we even celebrate when they achieve these steps! But some of us, or maybe just me, regret when the day comes and they say they're moving out. Then it's labor pains all over again, for me it was. Letting them get a place of their own? But, what was wrong with ME? I took in many of Tony's friends in who needed a place to stay all the time I enjoyed having them around, they're very good boy's and according to them I would never have to worry for a place to stay. Funny thing when given the choice if they wanted to be my kids room mate OR rent a room from me....THEY'VE CHOSEN ME!!

I heard the other day that one who thinks that the worst pain a mother will ever go through is when they're in labor with their child. This is a person who has not experienced dropping off their child the first day of school....I'm not ashamed to admit it, I cried....or, seeing them ride away on the school bus for the first time....again, I cried. But for me it was also hearing they were getting a place of their own.
I read once "Making the decision to have a child is momentous...it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone
In so many ways I feel so guilty for not being there to protect him from her, from this bad situation, that is afterall our job as parents. We are given this privilege, this blessing, but our job is to love them and prepare them to be independent in this world. But it's so hard because we know how cruel this world is. We know that this whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, Satan. We can only pray each time they walk out the door that Jehovah is guiding their steps and will protect them from evil. But I still feel guilt, so much guilt.

"It has been said 'time heals all wounds'....

2007-05-18T02:49:00.001-04:00

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone."
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
The first 2 and a half years I did it with no meds. I would fall apart at the snap of a a finger. I couldn't listen to music, any music. I would drive myself to and from work crying all the way, drying my face and applying alittle powder thinking I could get away with no one noticing. If I wasn't fooling anyone no one let on. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I couldn't watch anymore emergency room shows, and certainly no movies that had guns in them. If I was watching something with Solange on TV and someone died or was hurt with a gun I would fall apart, cry out even. TV shows with doctors made me mad. Live surgery shows I loved watching before (in the medical field since 1987, I loved to watch and learn) I now hated those shows. Medicine, to me a miracle in itself, couldn't save my son. I would think of how the EMT's gave up. Summer (Tony's ex) had left him there for 3 hours to bleed to death, it wasn't the EMT's fault.
I even started to resent people, bad people for still being alive and I know that's wrong but I did. I would think "there goes one who deserves to live and my son dies?" It didn't seem fair.
I was in such denial for the longest time. I kept wishing, bargaining with God. I would think that maybe Tony was hiding from Summer, his ex. I thought as soon as she moved back to Virginia Beach where she was from Tony's "bro's" would notify him and he would come back home. He just wanted to make sure she was gone, that's all. She always went after him, begged him to come back, call his cell, etc. Or maybe since he was so popular, everybody knew Tony and he was currently looking for another job....I just made him a new resume! He had been to China, Japan, Manhattan, Mexico, Florida and he was so smart!! so very smart!! maybe he went to work for the CIA and is in hiding and one day he will walk through my door and before he finished the words "sorry ma", he called me Ma, I would hold him so tight and smother him with kisses.
Everyday, everyday I would cry. I'm on anti anxiety and anti depressants now. I can watch some of my old shows again but sometimes I still breakdown. I cry almost everyday, at least it's not everyday. The meds help.
I still have all those thoughts I had before. I still feel the pain, still want to be put out of my misery.

I started this blog as sort of a diary....

2007-05-17T04:25:00.000-04:00

I started this blog as sort of a diary, as an outlet. I was internet surfing a few weeks ago, I felt alone and was trying to find others who are feeling a loss and I found one for grieving mothers; on the front page that grieving mom wrote: "In the loneliness and desperation that only grief can bring...in that desperate need for someone to talk to... I am reaching out to talk with you." And this is why I'm here.
Tony has been gone 3 years now and has left a tremendous void in me. This may seem like a long time for some unless ofcourse you're the one going through something like this.
We were very close. They say it's wrong for parents and kids to be best friends; parents need to parent but Tony had seen alot and experienced alot with me when he was little with his father around. He helped me alot. We shared alot. This void will never be filled by anyone or anything. People say "you have your other children to think about!". But it's not the same. Just like neither of the 3 children I have "left" could ever be replaced, Tony can never be replaced.
Tony's friends still come around now and again and that makes me feel "closer" to him. Some of them call me mom; for years they referred to me as their second mom. I know if I needed them I could call any of them. I know I'd be welcome. There have been times when things were tight and they've even offered me a place to stay. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my youngest, Solange and with her part time job and me working from home, many times were tight.
Some of those friends of Tony's, have gone on and gotten married and have made me "honorary grandma" to their kids. When I need to talk about Tony they always avail themselves and I'm gratefull for that, more than they'll ever know.
Since Tony has been gone it seems as if I've been existing. Not really "living"; almost going through the motions. I look to my other kids to give me a reason to live, to keep on going. When they misbehave or treat me in a disrespectful way I take this to heart. It takes everything in me to get myself out of bed in the morning, I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I ask myself "Don't they understand??".
I've been in deep depression since this all happened. I lost my father in 1999 and really never got over that and then Tony, his name sake, my first born, my answered prayer; actually, when I found out I was pregnant with Tony and prayed, God went above and beyond answering my prayers with Tony. My miracle, my blessing, my everything, my reason for living.
I miss him so much. I miss cooking for him, taking care of him. Even though he didn't live with me the last couple years when he was sick he came looking for me. He made me feel very special. Always. He was the perfect gentleman too. I taught him all the little things girls like....opening doors, gifts on memorable days, respect your elders. He was all that and more.

About me

2007-05-16T06:24:00.003-04:00

My name is Rosane. I was born in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, the MARVELOUS city as it is known but I was raised in the states. I've been here most my life. I'm an immigrant, my parents were/are immigrants, my dad is deceased. My mother is still alive. I am a mother of 4 beautiful children. I had my first born Tony when I was 21, Schivone at 22, David at 24 and Solange at 27. I wanted at least 4 children and I quit there only because financially we couldn't afford more. I always wanted to be a mother and my dream came true.
I was married, technically I still am but I've been separated since 1993. So for the most part I raised them all by myself. When I separated Tony was 12, the most mature 12 year old you could ever meet. At least that's what one Children's Social worker told me when he visited me after complaints that people never saw me at home. I worked from early morning before the sun came up I was getting the kids ready with breakfast, clothes and doing their hair and sending them off to school. Tony would watch his brother and sisters until I got home after the sun went down. He was the greatest at delegating. He oversaw everything. Made sure the house was clean and he could cook too! I know some of you are thinking "that's way too young!" and I agree with you and if there had been another way to do this I would. I could've spent all my time with my kids if I had settled for "aid for dependent children" a monthly check from the gov't and food stamps but that wasn't enough for rent, food and car payment. I worked 7 days a week. No child support. My husband had threatened if I went after him for child support he'd take my boys and disappear. He was an alcoholic, I couldn't take any chances. He HAS been 6 years sober though. All that time I never kept him from the kids. He could see them whenever he wanted or they wanted. They have a good relationship with their father. Money isn't everything but it does put food on the table and a roof over your head so....the kids had only me to depend on, AND Tony was a big helper too. Until he was 18 had odd jobs here and there. He grew up so fast and wanted to help, he told me he took pride in helping. This is what to me made him so unique, so very special. I had an office job from 8 to 5 and then I did home health visits until about 7pm and on the weekends I just did visits from 8am until whenever. Sometimes I got home before the sun set, sometimes after. I missed out on alot with my kids. I'm sure the kids feel the same even though to this day they say they understood why it had to be that way.
There's alot that happened to us between then and now but that's our beginning. Through it all I raised 2 very responsible men and two beautiful daughters who value themselves, four beautiful blessings.
On April 13, 2004 I lost my son Tony, he was 23. Needless to say it was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. My life changed completely. I changed. I feel like a part of me died with him. I lost the most precious gift, there is no way to describe this loss. The kids were hit pretty hard. I mention Tony's name to David and he still looks at me with his big hazel eyes, looks like a deer caught in the headlights. They were best friends, closer than any two brothers could ever be, never fought, "best buds". They worked together, lived together. If I thought David needed a "talk" I would tell Tony and he would sit David down and David respected him, they took care of eachother. Solange was as Tony called her, his "little princess" he was her protector, untouchable. And as for Schivone, one phone call was all it took, Schivone and Tony were always there for eachother as well. They were all very close.
Tony was the type that had an entourage wherever he went, everyone called him their best friend. They all looked up to him and it wasn't only because he was 6'5' and weighed 207 lbs.
He was my gorgeous gentle giant, generous to a fault, a big heart, literally. He lived in a very nice 3 bedroom house with 2 other roommates, his brother and ex girlfriend and her 5 year old son. Tony had broken up and gone back together with her many times but in the early morning hours on tuesday April 13, 2004 he vowed it was for good. This time he would leave her once and for all. He didn't care anymore if she used her kid as an excuse. He had taken care of the boy since the boy was almost a year old. He also didn't care if she threatened to hurt herself as she threatened to do so many times before. He had saved enough money to move out and she could stay at the house all the bills were paid a month in advance, she could find a room mate, she had friends that she said wouldn't mind sharing expenses there, etc. He had all the bases covered he thought, I thought.
Then it happened, I recieved a call tuesday afternoon, it was David my son. I was working, my son David said Tony was hurt and the EMT's were there at the house but they needed my permission to look after him. I thought, that sounds weird, why would they need my permission? He's 23 years old! Something hit me, I sped to his house screaming, praying, please God!! I arrived at their house and there were police cars, yellow tape and David, he was crying, he never cries, I start crying, and he gave me a look and I almost fall to the ground, he catches me and all I could say was "my gorgeous baby boy, my gorgeous baby boy!!" and cry, and cry. I wanted to go to Tony, my son David and the detectives held me back. They said the paramedics were in with him. I didn't want to disturb them, there might be hope that my life wasn't destroyed. Then David told me the paramedics had given up, I screamed. I wanted to go in and try to wake him up but they didn't let me they held me back. My son Tony died of a gunshot to his chest. He was in the bathroom in a pool of blood. They tried to tell me he had done this to himself. I didn't believe it. His exgirlfriend said she found him that way 3 hours after the fact, actually she had my other son David go in the house and he found Tony. A group had gathered in the drive way as they always did to car pool to work. After she heard David yell then she went in. But she was in the same house the whole time, actually she was on the other side of the wall, she heard nothing? The gunshot went in his chest and out his back, the bullet hit the toilet tank and landed in the shower! She didn't hear a thing she said. That's what she told the detectives and that's what they wrote in their report. Several detectives were there and took her statement, she changed her story many times, I read the report but in the end they ruled it a suicide. His Expedition was packed and he was ready to go. The bedroom was totaled with broken lamps and nick nacks. Tony had bruises and cuts on him. But he did this to himself? She had told the detectives that he had gone to take a shower, this was about 11:30am and when she had checked in on him 3 hours later he was already dead? What "girlfriend" leaves her boyfriend to take a 3 hour long shower without checking in on him? I know women, myself included that would have knocked on that door or gone in to see how much longer their man was going to be "in the shower". By the way, he was fully clothed when the detectives found him.
That night as I lay in bed I dialed Tony's cell phone number to hear his voice. She owned that phone now and had erased his voice. It was her voice you heard now if you wanted to leave a voice mail. She also had his wallet, his credit cards, his debit card, his bank account was empty all the money he had saved to move was gone. His check that hadn't been cashed yet from work was also with her. She tried to cash it. David confronted her about it and she finally did give that up. We made Tony's expedition payment with it. The Expedition was a "show car". At least it was in it's early stages of being one. Tony had it custom painted. He wanted a color no one else had. He picked "copper sun burst". To me it was a pretty orange. He had spent alot of time with his truck. He was a big guy, he needed transportation he could feel comfortable in. It even won an award at a show he took it to. It was his baby. It was all that was left that meant something to him. I asked David if we could keep it in the family.
A week after we lost Tony, I was still in a zombie state. I recieve a phone call. David had gone to the beach with his friends and on a long stretch 2 lane road he was run off the road by a truck and trying not to be hit head on lost control of his car and landed in a ditch type canal. The car was covered with water. It was a good thing he had his window down because as the car sank deeper into the water he and his friend used that open window to crawl out of.
It was almost too much. To lose my precious Tony and then a week later come that close to losing my David? David escaped without a scratch. His car was totaled. He had it towed away to the nearest body shop but it was beyond being saved. His insurance didn't cover damages and the loan insurance wasn't covering it either. He still owed on the car whether he had one or not. David had no choice. When payments came due for the expedition he took over and took care of his brothers truck. Tony's last check from work was over a thousand dollars so that helped. The truck was saved but David's car was totaled but one thing, David did meet his fiance at the body shop. She just happened to be the bookkeeper there. They will be married May 24 next year in 2008.