Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
More on mean people. Seems you can never get away from them. One thing for sure though, being separated since 1993 there have been many times when I felt that I wouldn't have been so mistreated or disrespected had their been a man around. But, as Tony got older, I had less 'mean people' to deal with. I felt protected and safe from undesirables. If I were at the mall or grocery shopping with Tony if a man looked at me for too long or said something Tony thought disrespectful, Tony would say something to him, not just stare them down but say something to get them back in check. To Tony, disrespecting me or anyone in his family you would be disrespecting him. This is how any self respecting man acted, I thought. My dad was like this, my uncles, my grandfather. Your mother, your family was number #1. Have times changed so much? Wherever Tony went his presence demanded respect, his voice, his stature. But now, I feel like a sitting duck, very vulnerable. I've lost my bodyguard. I'm latin, mother's are sacred! I felt special with Tony, he made me feel special not to mention very proud, so very proud. When I lost Tony I lost all that.
This is a beautiful dedication written to my son from April. Seeing this makes me happy? to remember how much of an impact Tony had on other peoples lives. When I tell people he was special there are people who actually know what I mean. This is what April wrote for Tony on the day he would be 26 years old and I love you April for remembering him this way....
TO MY BROTHER
WHERE DO I START?
NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU
REALLY MEANT TO ME
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I
CAN MAKE THEM SEE
THAT I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ARE
A BIG PART OF MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER EVEN
THOUGH WE ARE APART
I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR FLAWS
AND NOW THAT I AM WITHOUT YOU
I FEEL SO EMPTY AND SMALL
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND DREAM
OF YOU NEAR
BUT WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I
CAN SEE ARE TEARS
YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO
YOU WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND
SAY "GIRL YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU"
YOU USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE OK
YOU WOULD HOLD ME TIGHT AND
WIPE MY TEARS AWAY
I KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR PHONE
CALL ASKING IF I CAN TALK
AND SEE IF I CAN COME OVER SO
WE CAN GO ON OUR LONG WALK
I CHERISH EVERY MEMORY AND
MOMENT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER
I WILL HOLD THEM IN MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU HAD TO GO AWAY
AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I COULD
OF DONE TO HAVE MADE YOU STAY
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER, "WHAT IF
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE?"
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU
ONLY THROUGH MY PRAYERS?
THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT GIVE
TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK IN TIME
JUST TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
AND HOLD YOU JUST ONE MORE TIME
YOU HELD EVERYONE TOGETHER THAT
MUCH I CAN SAY IS TRUE
YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
AND WISH TO SEE YOU SOON
I CANT IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD
HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT YOU
I JUST WISH THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD
HAVE KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TOO
SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE
SO WHEN SHE DOES FINALLY MEET YOU
YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS
IN MEMORY OF ANTONIO
03-04-1981 TO 04-13-2004
WRITTEN BY APRIL
I've had one message emailed to me since I started this blog. I already have a hard time sleeping, this person just made it worse. Their email wasn't to say "sorry for your loss" or anything like that. That person was EXACTLY from the lot that called the social worker and the one who compared my loss to her losing her dog that I mentioned earlier in my blog. Why is it if people can't say anything upbuilding they just don't keep their mouths shut? Especially reading my blog and seeing the pain I have to deal with on a daily bases? That person didn't even leave a return email or anything. If they were genuinely trying to help why did they stay anonymous so I couldn't write them back? I mention in my blog that I'm reaching out to people with the same experiences, since I can't find anyone to "listen" I'm talking through my blog. I'm so glad God is my only judge, the one that matters, because if God had chosen people like you to judge there would be absolutely no hope for me.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Tony's Sleeping
I am confident in the Bible's promises of a new world, God's Kingdom. The Bible promises a resurrection and for the meek to inherit the earth. The dead are conscience of nothing at all as stated in Ecclesiastes. So, I imagine Tony sleeping and that soon he will be awakened. It gives me some comfort to think of my son that way and to look forward to seeing him again. God did not intend for us to kill or be killed. The whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, Satan.
Tony is resting. This thought and knowing that it is impossible for God to lie is what gives me some form of peace.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Some of my Favorite Peoms
What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks
by Kelly Cummings
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, She is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
A Mother's Grief
by
Kelly Cummings
You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go
How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me
say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.
I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.
Kelly Cummings
12/8/03
SORROW IS HER DAILY FARE
She looked into the mirror and
it's a stranger that she saw.
The cold blank eyes, the wrinkled hand,
she knows this girl no more.
She aged so on that warm [April] day
as she told her son goodbye,
for he had traveled in harms way,
but why did he have to die?
The [dark brown] eyes that looked at her
from the mirror on the wall
looked straight ahead and could only stare
for they'd lost love most of all.
The skin is pinched now from the tears
that flow more every day
the face looked older than it's years,
grief does that...that's it's way.
The girl that was his Mother
now looks so old and worn.
she has only his memories
that began when he was born.
Now sorrow is her daily fare
and a blankness in her eyes,
it's from a death she cannot bear....
it's when a dear son dies.
Maureen Elliott
for her
son, Paul
by Kelly Cummings
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, She is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
A Mother's Grief
by
Kelly Cummings
You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go
How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me
say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their childs casket,
watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.
I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.
Kelly Cummings
12/8/03
SORROW IS HER DAILY FARE
She looked into the mirror and
it's a stranger that she saw.
The cold blank eyes, the wrinkled hand,
she knows this girl no more.
She aged so on that warm [April] day
as she told her son goodbye,
for he had traveled in harms way,
but why did he have to die?
The [dark brown] eyes that looked at her
from the mirror on the wall
looked straight ahead and could only stare
for they'd lost love most of all.
The skin is pinched now from the tears
that flow more every day
the face looked older than it's years,
grief does that...that's it's way.
The girl that was his Mother
now looks so old and worn.
she has only his memories
that began when he was born.
Now sorrow is her daily fare
and a blankness in her eyes,
it's from a death she cannot bear....
it's when a dear son dies.
Maureen Elliott
for her
son, Paul
Words that Hurt/Words that Heal
I found this site by Kelly Cummings at http://www.geocities.com/for_grieving_moms/index.html of what to say and what not to say that was really helpful:
Words That Hurt
“You just need to have more faith.”
“This is nature’s way.”
“God doesn’t make mistakes.”
“God only takes the good.”
“I know just how you feel.”
“You don’t need to feel that way.”
“Don’t cry.”
“You must be strong for the sake of your children.”
“At least he didn’t suffer.”
“Everything will be all right.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“Be brave.”
“Every cloud has a silver lining.”
“You’ll get over it.”
“If you look around, you’ll find lots of people who are worse off.”
“You should be over this by now.”
“You’ve got to pull yourself together.”
“Just try a little harder.”
“There must be some reason for this.”
“Make yourself more attractive; a fine man (or woman) will come and sweep you off your feet.”
“If there’s anything I can do, just call me.”
“God must really love you a lot.”
“It must have been his time.”
“Be thankful you have another child.”
Words that Heal
“I am so sorry.”
“I care.”
“I love you.”
“I’m here with you.”
“I’m available.”
“I’m listening.”
“I feel so bad.”
“I feel so helpless.”
“I share your sorrow.”
“Go ahead and cry--I’ll cry with you.”
“Life is sometimes very difficult.”
“It’s all right to cry.”
“It’s okay to be angry.”
“I know you are hurting right now.”
“Words fail me.”
“What are you feeling right now?”
“How may I help you?”
“This must be very painful for you.”
“I have no idea what it must be like for you. I’ve never experienced what you’re going through. Can you tell me what it’s like?”
“This must be so hard to accept.”
“I really miss__________. He/She was a special person.”
Words That Hurt
“You just need to have more faith.”
“This is nature’s way.”
“God doesn’t make mistakes.”
“God only takes the good.”
“I know just how you feel.”
“You don’t need to feel that way.”
“Don’t cry.”
“You must be strong for the sake of your children.”
“At least he didn’t suffer.”
“Everything will be all right.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“Be brave.”
“Every cloud has a silver lining.”
“You’ll get over it.”
“If you look around, you’ll find lots of people who are worse off.”
“You should be over this by now.”
“You’ve got to pull yourself together.”
“Just try a little harder.”
“There must be some reason for this.”
“Make yourself more attractive; a fine man (or woman) will come and sweep you off your feet.”
“If there’s anything I can do, just call me.”
“God must really love you a lot.”
“It must have been his time.”
“Be thankful you have another child.”
Words that Heal
“I am so sorry.”
“I care.”
“I love you.”
“I’m here with you.”
“I’m available.”
“I’m listening.”
“I feel so bad.”
“I feel so helpless.”
“I share your sorrow.”
“Go ahead and cry--I’ll cry with you.”
“Life is sometimes very difficult.”
“It’s all right to cry.”
“It’s okay to be angry.”
“I know you are hurting right now.”
“Words fail me.”
“What are you feeling right now?”
“How may I help you?”
“This must be very painful for you.”
“I have no idea what it must be like for you. I’ve never experienced what you’re going through. Can you tell me what it’s like?”
“This must be so hard to accept.”
“I really miss__________. He/She was a special person.”
I've written about how I have felt from time to time on these posts but even being the one going through this it's so hard to describe. The other day I was visiting with a friend of my daughter's, I hardly go anywhere but to Dr's appointments but I was out giving my youngest some moral support. She was on an interview for a new job and I sat in the car. I got bored and since Solange had left her cell phone in the car I dialed Schivone. She asked me if I would stop by since I was so close to the house she had just moved into and wanted me to meet her new room mate, Kenny. He was a very nice guy. He knew my background, I'm sure Schivone had clued him in about Tony. He made me and Solange feel very comfortable. We all visited for alittle while and then Schivone had to go to bed, she had to get up early for work. He asked me to stay alittle while longer, I thought that was so sweet, normally I wouldn't have but I did agree, just a few more minutes I thought. Ends up he knows someone from my past, and we were going on and on about how small this world was and then suddenly, he asked me how I felt, I could tell what he meant but since no one had ever really asked me that before I kinda froze. I was caught off guard thinking that, "wow, no one has ever asked me" and he had this sincere concerned look on his face. He even started to "help" me describe what couldn't come out of my mouth. "Sadness?" I shook my head yes, "void?" I thought, and the expression on my face must've shown "you got it!, a Void!!". Then he asked me "void of what?". In my head I couldn't find the right word again and he said "happiness?" and I said "YES". Deep in my gut, my heart, my soul, a void. He didn't remind me of the fact that I had 3 other children to live for, he didn't tell me about how much the future has yet to offer. He stopped, told me he was sorry for my loss and that was it. Smart guy.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Mean People
At first I couldn't talk to anybody. I was so irritated at people that would say things like "I know how you feel....My dad died, (my dad died in 1999, not the same) my grandmother died, (my grandmother died in 1995, again, not the same) my dog died." Can you believe that one?? "My dog died." I wanted to slap that person but I just had to remember there are some really stupid people in this world and we should really feel sorry for them. I couldn't say anything as she told me her story. This wasn't a kid either! This was a lady in her early to mid thirties, telling me the story of how she suffered when her dog died! As I was watching this person tell her story, I was in such shock trying everything to keep from lungeing at her and telling her how stupid she sounded. "Time heals all wounds, blah, blah, I remember when my dog died, blah, blah, I cried everyday, and my husband got so sick of me crying everyday for 2 weeks he went out one afternoon and brought me home a new puppy." Is she nut's?? Two weeks isn't going to be enough for me to get over this you idiot!! And nothing can replace my SON!! Least of all a new puppy for crying out loud!!
Needless to say I isolated myself. I was feeling suicidal and these people were going to put me over the edge. Maybe they thought they were being helpful but they were just making matters worse. It made me not want to see anybody. It was as if I had to justify the way I was feeling to everyone.
Looking back to the first year I wonder how I got out of that black hole alive. People were just mean. Absolutely no emotional support. I had never felt so alone in my life.
When I lost Tony I was caring for an elderly woman. She died one month later. She had battled with cancer for awhile, the family decided to call hospice and within a couple days of hospice taking over she passed away. After that I couldn't find a job. I ended up working for that elderly womans grandson who owned a telemarketing room. I thought since I couldn't be much use with anything too complicated I could read a one page script and work an automated dialer.
I did pretty good for awhile. But you could do out of this world good, it was never enough. My new boss and his secretary/lover would still treat you like slime. I stuck it out. I had bills to pay. Then I found a new job, time share resales, new boss, same lot. I'm not cut out for this type of work. I'm still working for the same lady but it's from home, I couldn't deal with the office politics. I'm working for the same lady still but now we do credit restoration and I dial from home now sending interested ones to my boss, she does the close. Telesales is for the desperate, really. I wish I could be doing something else.
I don't make enough to pay my bills. I've tried applying for other jobs but haven't been able to get anything else. Small town. It's who you know. I signed up for a medical transcription course online. As soon as I'm done with the course I know my financial future will improve.
I wish there was something else I could do right now to make alittle extra money. Didn't have to be a whole lot. The expedition needs a transmission. I don't think it's going to last much longer. David, who was helping us hold on to Tony's expedition finally got his own car. Solange took over last year with the loan payments and insurance. She does fine keeping up the payments but replace a transmission? You can't pull $2000.00 out of thin air
Needless to say I isolated myself. I was feeling suicidal and these people were going to put me over the edge. Maybe they thought they were being helpful but they were just making matters worse. It made me not want to see anybody. It was as if I had to justify the way I was feeling to everyone.
Looking back to the first year I wonder how I got out of that black hole alive. People were just mean. Absolutely no emotional support. I had never felt so alone in my life.
When I lost Tony I was caring for an elderly woman. She died one month later. She had battled with cancer for awhile, the family decided to call hospice and within a couple days of hospice taking over she passed away. After that I couldn't find a job. I ended up working for that elderly womans grandson who owned a telemarketing room. I thought since I couldn't be much use with anything too complicated I could read a one page script and work an automated dialer.
I did pretty good for awhile. But you could do out of this world good, it was never enough. My new boss and his secretary/lover would still treat you like slime. I stuck it out. I had bills to pay. Then I found a new job, time share resales, new boss, same lot. I'm not cut out for this type of work. I'm still working for the same lady but it's from home, I couldn't deal with the office politics. I'm working for the same lady still but now we do credit restoration and I dial from home now sending interested ones to my boss, she does the close. Telesales is for the desperate, really. I wish I could be doing something else.
I don't make enough to pay my bills. I've tried applying for other jobs but haven't been able to get anything else. Small town. It's who you know. I signed up for a medical transcription course online. As soon as I'm done with the course I know my financial future will improve.
I wish there was something else I could do right now to make alittle extra money. Didn't have to be a whole lot. The expedition needs a transmission. I don't think it's going to last much longer. David, who was helping us hold on to Tony's expedition finally got his own car. Solange took over last year with the loan payments and insurance. She does fine keeping up the payments but replace a transmission? You can't pull $2000.00 out of thin air
The Pain
I fight with these thoughts everyday and everynight. To be put out of my misery. I pray everynight. In the beginning it was to wake up and realize that this was all a just a really bad nightmare and everything would be the way it was. Tony would be here, my four kids would be here. I would pray; Dear God, nothing is impossible for you, bring Tony back to me. I would envision a time machine and I could go back and be there with him at that precise moment when it was all happening and get him out of that situation. But if that couldn't be then don't let me wake up. Let me sleep, give me a deep deep sleep in death so I wouldn't feel any more pain. These are morbid thoughts I know but don't judge me or tell me to look for help because aside from the meds there is nothing anyone can do. Don't tell me as time goes by things will get better because the pain is now and it's unbearable. I can't sleep. No one is watching so I can cry into my pillow thinking about all the stages of Tony's life, all the kids really, from the time they were tiny when I could watch over them, keep them safe by me, close to me and protect them to the time they started to grow and become independent. Something we teach them from the time they're infants, to do things on their own so they can face the world when the time comes, and we even celebrate when they achieve these steps! But some of us, or maybe just me, regret when the day comes and they say they're moving out. Then it's labor pains all over again, for me it was. Letting them get a place of their own? But, what was wrong with ME? I took in many of Tony's friends in who needed a place to stay all the time I enjoyed having them around, they're very good boy's and according to them I would never have to worry for a place to stay. Funny thing when given the choice if they wanted to be my kids room mate OR rent a room from me....THEY'VE CHOSEN ME!!
I heard the other day that one who thinks that the worst pain a mother will ever go through is when they're in labor with their child. This is a person who has not experienced dropping off their child the first day of school....I'm not ashamed to admit it, I cried....or, seeing them ride away on the school bus for the first time....again, I cried. But for me it was also hearing they were getting a place of their own.
I read once "Making the decision to have a child is momentous...it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone
In so many ways I feel so guilty for not being there to protect him from her, from this bad situation, that is afterall our job as parents. We are given this privilege, this blessing, but our job is to love them and prepare them to be independent in this world. But it's so hard because we know how cruel this world is. We know that this whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, Satan. We can only pray each time they walk out the door that Jehovah is guiding their steps and will protect them from evil. But I still feel guilt, so much guilt.
I heard the other day that one who thinks that the worst pain a mother will ever go through is when they're in labor with their child. This is a person who has not experienced dropping off their child the first day of school....I'm not ashamed to admit it, I cried....or, seeing them ride away on the school bus for the first time....again, I cried. But for me it was also hearing they were getting a place of their own.
I read once "Making the decision to have a child is momentous...it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone
In so many ways I feel so guilty for not being there to protect him from her, from this bad situation, that is afterall our job as parents. We are given this privilege, this blessing, but our job is to love them and prepare them to be independent in this world. But it's so hard because we know how cruel this world is. We know that this whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, Satan. We can only pray each time they walk out the door that Jehovah is guiding their steps and will protect them from evil. But I still feel guilt, so much guilt.
Friday, May 18, 2007
"It has been said 'time heals all wounds'....
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone."
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
The first 2 and a half years I did it with no meds. I would fall apart at the snap of a a finger. I couldn't listen to music, any music. I would drive myself to and from work crying all the way, drying my face and applying alittle powder thinking I could get away with no one noticing. If I wasn't fooling anyone no one let on. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I couldn't watch anymore emergency room shows, and certainly no movies that had guns in them. If I was watching something with Solange on TV and someone died or was hurt with a gun I would fall apart, cry out even. TV shows with doctors made me mad. Live surgery shows I loved watching before (in the medical field since 1987, I loved to watch and learn) I now hated those shows. Medicine, to me a miracle in itself, couldn't save my son. I would think of how the EMT's gave up. Summer (Tony's ex) had left him there for 3 hours to bleed to death, it wasn't the EMT's fault.
I even started to resent people, bad people for still being alive and I know that's wrong but I did. I would think "there goes one who deserves to live and my son dies?" It didn't seem fair.
I was in such denial for the longest time. I kept wishing, bargaining with God. I would think that maybe Tony was hiding from Summer, his ex. I thought as soon as she moved back to Virginia Beach where she was from Tony's "bro's" would notify him and he would come back home. He just wanted to make sure she was gone, that's all. She always went after him, begged him to come back, call his cell, etc. Or maybe since he was so popular, everybody knew Tony and he was currently looking for another job....I just made him a new resume! He had been to China, Japan, Manhattan, Mexico, Florida and he was so smart!! so very smart!! maybe he went to work for the CIA and is in hiding and one day he will walk through my door and before he finished the words "sorry ma", he called me Ma, I would hold him so tight and smother him with kisses.
Everyday, everyday I would cry. I'm on anti anxiety and anti depressants now. I can watch some of my old shows again but sometimes I still breakdown. I cry almost everyday, at least it's not everyday. The meds help.
I still have all those thoughts I had before. I still feel the pain, still want to be put out of my misery.
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
The first 2 and a half years I did it with no meds. I would fall apart at the snap of a a finger. I couldn't listen to music, any music. I would drive myself to and from work crying all the way, drying my face and applying alittle powder thinking I could get away with no one noticing. If I wasn't fooling anyone no one let on. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I couldn't watch anymore emergency room shows, and certainly no movies that had guns in them. If I was watching something with Solange on TV and someone died or was hurt with a gun I would fall apart, cry out even. TV shows with doctors made me mad. Live surgery shows I loved watching before (in the medical field since 1987, I loved to watch and learn) I now hated those shows. Medicine, to me a miracle in itself, couldn't save my son. I would think of how the EMT's gave up. Summer (Tony's ex) had left him there for 3 hours to bleed to death, it wasn't the EMT's fault.
I even started to resent people, bad people for still being alive and I know that's wrong but I did. I would think "there goes one who deserves to live and my son dies?" It didn't seem fair.
I was in such denial for the longest time. I kept wishing, bargaining with God. I would think that maybe Tony was hiding from Summer, his ex. I thought as soon as she moved back to Virginia Beach where she was from Tony's "bro's" would notify him and he would come back home. He just wanted to make sure she was gone, that's all. She always went after him, begged him to come back, call his cell, etc. Or maybe since he was so popular, everybody knew Tony and he was currently looking for another job....I just made him a new resume! He had been to China, Japan, Manhattan, Mexico, Florida and he was so smart!! so very smart!! maybe he went to work for the CIA and is in hiding and one day he will walk through my door and before he finished the words "sorry ma", he called me Ma, I would hold him so tight and smother him with kisses.
Everyday, everyday I would cry. I'm on anti anxiety and anti depressants now. I can watch some of my old shows again but sometimes I still breakdown. I cry almost everyday, at least it's not everyday. The meds help.
I still have all those thoughts I had before. I still feel the pain, still want to be put out of my misery.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I started this blog as sort of a diary....
I started this blog as sort of a diary, as an outlet. I was internet surfing a few weeks ago, I felt alone and was trying to find others who are feeling a loss and I found one for grieving mothers; on the front page that grieving mom wrote: "In the loneliness and desperation that only grief can bring...in that desperate need for someone to talk to... I am reaching out to talk with you." And this is why I'm here.
Tony has been gone 3 years now and has left a tremendous void in me. This may seem like a long time for some unless ofcourse you're the one going through something like this.
We were very close. They say it's wrong for parents and kids to be best friends; parents need to parent but Tony had seen alot and experienced alot with me when he was little with his father around. He helped me alot. We shared alot. This void will never be filled by anyone or anything. People say "you have your other children to think about!". But it's not the same. Just like neither of the 3 children I have "left" could ever be replaced, Tony can never be replaced.
Tony's friends still come around now and again and that makes me feel "closer" to him. Some of them call me mom; for years they referred to me as their second mom. I know if I needed them I could call any of them. I know I'd be welcome. There have been times when things were tight and they've even offered me a place to stay. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my youngest, Solange and with her part time job and me working from home, many times were tight.
Some of those friends of Tony's, have gone on and gotten married and have made me "honorary grandma" to their kids. When I need to talk about Tony they always avail themselves and I'm gratefull for that, more than they'll ever know.
Since Tony has been gone it seems as if I've been existing. Not really "living"; almost going through the motions. I look to my other kids to give me a reason to live, to keep on going. When they misbehave or treat me in a disrespectful way I take this to heart. It takes everything in me to get myself out of bed in the morning, I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I ask myself "Don't they understand??".
I've been in deep depression since this all happened. I lost my father in 1999 and really never got over that and then Tony, his name sake, my first born, my answered prayer; actually, when I found out I was pregnant with Tony and prayed, God went above and beyond answering my prayers with Tony. My miracle, my blessing, my everything, my reason for living.
I miss him so much. I miss cooking for him, taking care of him. Even though he didn't live with me the last couple years when he was sick he came looking for me. He made me feel very special. Always. He was the perfect gentleman too. I taught him all the little things girls like....opening doors, gifts on memorable days, respect your elders. He was all that and more.
Tony has been gone 3 years now and has left a tremendous void in me. This may seem like a long time for some unless ofcourse you're the one going through something like this.
We were very close. They say it's wrong for parents and kids to be best friends; parents need to parent but Tony had seen alot and experienced alot with me when he was little with his father around. He helped me alot. We shared alot. This void will never be filled by anyone or anything. People say "you have your other children to think about!". But it's not the same. Just like neither of the 3 children I have "left" could ever be replaced, Tony can never be replaced.
Tony's friends still come around now and again and that makes me feel "closer" to him. Some of them call me mom; for years they referred to me as their second mom. I know if I needed them I could call any of them. I know I'd be welcome. There have been times when things were tight and they've even offered me a place to stay. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my youngest, Solange and with her part time job and me working from home, many times were tight.
Some of those friends of Tony's, have gone on and gotten married and have made me "honorary grandma" to their kids. When I need to talk about Tony they always avail themselves and I'm gratefull for that, more than they'll ever know.
Since Tony has been gone it seems as if I've been existing. Not really "living"; almost going through the motions. I look to my other kids to give me a reason to live, to keep on going. When they misbehave or treat me in a disrespectful way I take this to heart. It takes everything in me to get myself out of bed in the morning, I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I ask myself "Don't they understand??".
I've been in deep depression since this all happened. I lost my father in 1999 and really never got over that and then Tony, his name sake, my first born, my answered prayer; actually, when I found out I was pregnant with Tony and prayed, God went above and beyond answering my prayers with Tony. My miracle, my blessing, my everything, my reason for living.
I miss him so much. I miss cooking for him, taking care of him. Even though he didn't live with me the last couple years when he was sick he came looking for me. He made me feel very special. Always. He was the perfect gentleman too. I taught him all the little things girls like....opening doors, gifts on memorable days, respect your elders. He was all that and more.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
About me
My name is Rosane. I was born in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, the MARVELOUS city as it is known but I was raised in the states. I've been here most my life. I'm an immigrant, my parents were/are immigrants, my dad is deceased. My mother is still alive. I am a mother of 4 beautiful children. I had my first born Tony when I was 21, Schivone at 22, David at 24 and Solange at 27. I wanted at least 4 children and I quit there only because financially we couldn't afford more. I always wanted to be a mother and my dream came true.
I was married, technically I still am but I've been separated since 1993. So for the most part I raised them all by myself. When I separated Tony was 12, the most mature 12 year old you could ever meet. At least that's what one Children's Social worker told me when he visited me after complaints that people never saw me at home. I worked from early morning before the sun came up I was getting the kids ready with breakfast, clothes and doing their hair and sending them off to school. Tony would watch his brother and sisters until I got home after the sun went down. He was the greatest at delegating. He oversaw everything. Made sure the house was clean and he could cook too! I know some of you are thinking "that's way too young!" and I agree with you and if there had been another way to do this I would. I could've spent all my time with my kids if I had settled for "aid for dependent children" a monthly check from the gov't and food stamps but that wasn't enough for rent, food and car payment. I worked 7 days a week. No child support. My husband had threatened if I went after him for child support he'd take my boys and disappear. He was an alcoholic, I couldn't take any chances. He HAS been 6 years sober though. All that time I never kept him from the kids. He could see them whenever he wanted or they wanted. They have a good relationship with their father. Money isn't everything but it does put food on the table and a roof over your head so....the kids had only me to depend on, AND Tony was a big helper too. Until he was 18 had odd jobs here and there. He grew up so fast and wanted to help, he told me he took pride in helping. This is what to me made him so unique, so very special. I had an office job from 8 to 5 and then I did home health visits until about 7pm and on the weekends I just did visits from 8am until whenever. Sometimes I got home before the sun set, sometimes after. I missed out on alot with my kids. I'm sure the kids feel the same even though to this day they say they understood why it had to be that way.
There's alot that happened to us between then and now but that's our beginning. Through it all I raised 2 very responsible men and two beautiful daughters who value themselves, four beautiful blessings.
On April 13, 2004 I lost my son Tony, he was 23. Needless to say it was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. My life changed completely. I changed. I feel like a part of me died with him. I lost the most precious gift, there is no way to describe this loss. The kids were hit pretty hard. I mention Tony's name to David and he still looks at me with his big hazel eyes, looks like a deer caught in the headlights. They were best friends, closer than any two brothers could ever be, never fought, "best buds". They worked together, lived together. If I thought David needed a "talk" I would tell Tony and he would sit David down and David respected him, they took care of eachother. Solange was as Tony called her, his "little princess" he was her protector, untouchable. And as for Schivone, one phone call was all it took, Schivone and Tony were always there for eachother as well. They were all very close.
Tony was the type that had an entourage wherever he went, everyone called him their best friend. They all looked up to him and it wasn't only because he was 6'5' and weighed 207 lbs.
He was my gorgeous gentle giant, generous to a fault, a big heart, literally. He lived in a very nice 3 bedroom house with 2 other roommates, his brother and ex girlfriend and her 5 year old son. Tony had broken up and gone back together with her many times but in the early morning hours on tuesday April 13, 2004 he vowed it was for good. This time he would leave her once and for all. He didn't care anymore if she used her kid as an excuse. He had taken care of the boy since the boy was almost a year old. He also didn't care if she threatened to hurt herself as she threatened to do so many times before. He had saved enough money to move out and she could stay at the house all the bills were paid a month in advance, she could find a room mate, she had friends that she said wouldn't mind sharing expenses there, etc. He had all the bases covered he thought, I thought.
Then it happened, I recieved a call tuesday afternoon, it was David my son. I was working, my son David said Tony was hurt and the EMT's were there at the house but they needed my permission to look after him. I thought, that sounds weird, why would they need my permission? He's 23 years old! Something hit me, I sped to his house screaming, praying, please God!! I arrived at their house and there were police cars, yellow tape and David, he was crying, he never cries, I start crying, and he gave me a look and I almost fall to the ground, he catches me and all I could say was "my gorgeous baby boy, my gorgeous baby boy!!" and cry, and cry. I wanted to go to Tony, my son David and the detectives held me back. They said the paramedics were in with him. I didn't want to disturb them, there might be hope that my life wasn't destroyed. Then David told me the paramedics had given up, I screamed. I wanted to go in and try to wake him up but they didn't let me they held me back. My son Tony died of a gunshot to his chest. He was in the bathroom in a pool of blood. They tried to tell me he had done this to himself. I didn't believe it. His exgirlfriend said she found him that way 3 hours after the fact, actually she had my other son David go in the house and he found Tony. A group had gathered in the drive way as they always did to car pool to work. After she heard David yell then she went in. But she was in the same house the whole time, actually she was on the other side of the wall, she heard nothing? The gunshot went in his chest and out his back, the bullet hit the toilet tank and landed in the shower! She didn't hear a thing she said. That's what she told the detectives and that's what they wrote in their report. Several detectives were there and took her statement, she changed her story many times, I read the report but in the end they ruled it a suicide. His Expedition was packed and he was ready to go. The bedroom was totaled with broken lamps and nick nacks. Tony had bruises and cuts on him. But he did this to himself? She had told the detectives that he had gone to take a shower, this was about 11:30am and when she had checked in on him 3 hours later he was already dead? What "girlfriend" leaves her boyfriend to take a 3 hour long shower without checking in on him? I know women, myself included that would have knocked on that door or gone in to see how much longer their man was going to be "in the shower". By the way, he was fully clothed when the detectives found him.
That night as I lay in bed I dialed Tony's cell phone number to hear his voice. She owned that phone now and had erased his voice. It was her voice you heard now if you wanted to leave a voice mail. She also had his wallet, his credit cards, his debit card, his bank account was empty all the money he had saved to move was gone. His check that hadn't been cashed yet from work was also with her. She tried to cash it. David confronted her about it and she finally did give that up. We made Tony's expedition payment with it. The Expedition was a "show car". At least it was in it's early stages of being one. Tony had it custom painted. He wanted a color no one else had. He picked "copper sun burst". To me it was a pretty orange. He had spent alot of time with his truck. He was a big guy, he needed transportation he could feel comfortable in. It even won an award at a show he took it to. It was his baby. It was all that was left that meant something to him. I asked David if we could keep it in the family.
A week after we lost Tony, I was still in a zombie state. I recieve a phone call. David had gone to the beach with his friends and on a long stretch 2 lane road he was run off the road by a truck and trying not to be hit head on lost control of his car and landed in a ditch type canal. The car was covered with water. It was a good thing he had his window down because as the car sank deeper into the water he and his friend used that open window to crawl out of.
It was almost too much. To lose my precious Tony and then a week later come that close to losing my David? David escaped without a scratch. His car was totaled. He had it towed away to the nearest body shop but it was beyond being saved. His insurance didn't cover damages and the loan insurance wasn't covering it either. He still owed on the car whether he had one or not. David had no choice. When payments came due for the expedition he took over and took care of his brothers truck. Tony's last check from work was over a thousand dollars so that helped. The truck was saved but David's car was totaled but one thing, David did meet his fiance at the body shop. She just happened to be the bookkeeper there. They will be married May 24 next year in 2008.
I was married, technically I still am but I've been separated since 1993. So for the most part I raised them all by myself. When I separated Tony was 12, the most mature 12 year old you could ever meet. At least that's what one Children's Social worker told me when he visited me after complaints that people never saw me at home. I worked from early morning before the sun came up I was getting the kids ready with breakfast, clothes and doing their hair and sending them off to school. Tony would watch his brother and sisters until I got home after the sun went down. He was the greatest at delegating. He oversaw everything. Made sure the house was clean and he could cook too! I know some of you are thinking "that's way too young!" and I agree with you and if there had been another way to do this I would. I could've spent all my time with my kids if I had settled for "aid for dependent children" a monthly check from the gov't and food stamps but that wasn't enough for rent, food and car payment. I worked 7 days a week. No child support. My husband had threatened if I went after him for child support he'd take my boys and disappear. He was an alcoholic, I couldn't take any chances. He HAS been 6 years sober though. All that time I never kept him from the kids. He could see them whenever he wanted or they wanted. They have a good relationship with their father. Money isn't everything but it does put food on the table and a roof over your head so....the kids had only me to depend on, AND Tony was a big helper too. Until he was 18 had odd jobs here and there. He grew up so fast and wanted to help, he told me he took pride in helping. This is what to me made him so unique, so very special. I had an office job from 8 to 5 and then I did home health visits until about 7pm and on the weekends I just did visits from 8am until whenever. Sometimes I got home before the sun set, sometimes after. I missed out on alot with my kids. I'm sure the kids feel the same even though to this day they say they understood why it had to be that way.
There's alot that happened to us between then and now but that's our beginning. Through it all I raised 2 very responsible men and two beautiful daughters who value themselves, four beautiful blessings.
On April 13, 2004 I lost my son Tony, he was 23. Needless to say it was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. My life changed completely. I changed. I feel like a part of me died with him. I lost the most precious gift, there is no way to describe this loss. The kids were hit pretty hard. I mention Tony's name to David and he still looks at me with his big hazel eyes, looks like a deer caught in the headlights. They were best friends, closer than any two brothers could ever be, never fought, "best buds". They worked together, lived together. If I thought David needed a "talk" I would tell Tony and he would sit David down and David respected him, they took care of eachother. Solange was as Tony called her, his "little princess" he was her protector, untouchable. And as for Schivone, one phone call was all it took, Schivone and Tony were always there for eachother as well. They were all very close.
Tony was the type that had an entourage wherever he went, everyone called him their best friend. They all looked up to him and it wasn't only because he was 6'5' and weighed 207 lbs.
He was my gorgeous gentle giant, generous to a fault, a big heart, literally. He lived in a very nice 3 bedroom house with 2 other roommates, his brother and ex girlfriend and her 5 year old son. Tony had broken up and gone back together with her many times but in the early morning hours on tuesday April 13, 2004 he vowed it was for good. This time he would leave her once and for all. He didn't care anymore if she used her kid as an excuse. He had taken care of the boy since the boy was almost a year old. He also didn't care if she threatened to hurt herself as she threatened to do so many times before. He had saved enough money to move out and she could stay at the house all the bills were paid a month in advance, she could find a room mate, she had friends that she said wouldn't mind sharing expenses there, etc. He had all the bases covered he thought, I thought.
Then it happened, I recieved a call tuesday afternoon, it was David my son. I was working, my son David said Tony was hurt and the EMT's were there at the house but they needed my permission to look after him. I thought, that sounds weird, why would they need my permission? He's 23 years old! Something hit me, I sped to his house screaming, praying, please God!! I arrived at their house and there were police cars, yellow tape and David, he was crying, he never cries, I start crying, and he gave me a look and I almost fall to the ground, he catches me and all I could say was "my gorgeous baby boy, my gorgeous baby boy!!" and cry, and cry. I wanted to go to Tony, my son David and the detectives held me back. They said the paramedics were in with him. I didn't want to disturb them, there might be hope that my life wasn't destroyed. Then David told me the paramedics had given up, I screamed. I wanted to go in and try to wake him up but they didn't let me they held me back. My son Tony died of a gunshot to his chest. He was in the bathroom in a pool of blood. They tried to tell me he had done this to himself. I didn't believe it. His exgirlfriend said she found him that way 3 hours after the fact, actually she had my other son David go in the house and he found Tony. A group had gathered in the drive way as they always did to car pool to work. After she heard David yell then she went in. But she was in the same house the whole time, actually she was on the other side of the wall, she heard nothing? The gunshot went in his chest and out his back, the bullet hit the toilet tank and landed in the shower! She didn't hear a thing she said. That's what she told the detectives and that's what they wrote in their report. Several detectives were there and took her statement, she changed her story many times, I read the report but in the end they ruled it a suicide. His Expedition was packed and he was ready to go. The bedroom was totaled with broken lamps and nick nacks. Tony had bruises and cuts on him. But he did this to himself? She had told the detectives that he had gone to take a shower, this was about 11:30am and when she had checked in on him 3 hours later he was already dead? What "girlfriend" leaves her boyfriend to take a 3 hour long shower without checking in on him? I know women, myself included that would have knocked on that door or gone in to see how much longer their man was going to be "in the shower". By the way, he was fully clothed when the detectives found him.
That night as I lay in bed I dialed Tony's cell phone number to hear his voice. She owned that phone now and had erased his voice. It was her voice you heard now if you wanted to leave a voice mail. She also had his wallet, his credit cards, his debit card, his bank account was empty all the money he had saved to move was gone. His check that hadn't been cashed yet from work was also with her. She tried to cash it. David confronted her about it and she finally did give that up. We made Tony's expedition payment with it. The Expedition was a "show car". At least it was in it's early stages of being one. Tony had it custom painted. He wanted a color no one else had. He picked "copper sun burst". To me it was a pretty orange. He had spent alot of time with his truck. He was a big guy, he needed transportation he could feel comfortable in. It even won an award at a show he took it to. It was his baby. It was all that was left that meant something to him. I asked David if we could keep it in the family.
A week after we lost Tony, I was still in a zombie state. I recieve a phone call. David had gone to the beach with his friends and on a long stretch 2 lane road he was run off the road by a truck and trying not to be hit head on lost control of his car and landed in a ditch type canal. The car was covered with water. It was a good thing he had his window down because as the car sank deeper into the water he and his friend used that open window to crawl out of.
It was almost too much. To lose my precious Tony and then a week later come that close to losing my David? David escaped without a scratch. His car was totaled. He had it towed away to the nearest body shop but it was beyond being saved. His insurance didn't cover damages and the loan insurance wasn't covering it either. He still owed on the car whether he had one or not. David had no choice. When payments came due for the expedition he took over and took care of his brothers truck. Tony's last check from work was over a thousand dollars so that helped. The truck was saved but David's car was totaled but one thing, David did meet his fiance at the body shop. She just happened to be the bookkeeper there. They will be married May 24 next year in 2008.
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