A Moment of Happiness....

As I previously posted my son was married on May 24, 2008. The wedding was very beautiful and I am so happy my son is happy and I couldn't have asked for nicer in-laws. My son got married this day, there was some really happy moments. I know I cried but I also smiled alot, even laughed, danced, did the conga line, so happy to see some of my family I hadn't seen in so long some I haven't seen in almost 10 years as in Dustin's case (my nephew). Did I have a right to be so happy? According to some people because I showed this emotion I shouldn't be complaining about my loss, afterall I looked like I was having such a good time. Why do I have to justify myself?
I really didn't think I would be able to show such emotion again. I still hurt and feel a loss so great I'm not even going into it right now but me having a good time doesn't mean I'm over it. I'm so confused about the reaction of this person I can't even put it into words.

I've Been Having these Dreams lately....

In my dreams I am constantly looking for Tony. There are even people in my dreams helping me look for Tony. To describe it though is like a tv program where yes, I'm looking for Tony, people there enlisted to help, challenges along the way, things are learned. Very strange, these dreams are sometimes every night, sometimes once in awhile.
I haven't logged in lately. Didn't know how to make the announcement of my second born son getting married. It was very beautiful, she's beautiful and my son looked like a movie star all dressed up. He was so happy that day you could see it in his face, eyes, smile. Needless to say I know Tony would've been very proud of his little brother. LD told me if Tony had been there he would have been best man.
LD walked me to my seat, I thought he would have been too busy as the groom for that. It surprised me. I sat in the front row with my daughters and my mother on the grooms side. I watched my son as he stood there and started to think about how far he's come, from a little wrapped up bundle in my arms to this grown man infront of me. Who was he? My son. He stood there with this smile on his face and bright eyes, a smile so beautiful and he looked so gorgeous. Images of my baby went through my mind from that bundle of happiness til now and I had to keep telling myself "don't do it, don't do it" I was thinking....don't cry. I started to look around me for familiar faces, my daughters were glowing they were so beautiful. My mother too all dressed in gold lace. I looked behind me, my ex-husband with his girlfriend. It was the first time I've ever seen him in a tux. I looked down the second row, looked like Aulia, her Dad, at first glance it looked like she brought someone with her. I turned around, looked again, he looked familiar, I turned again and Solange told me "....that's Dustin!" (my nephew) I looked again and it was!! I reached out to him and held his hand and wispered "te amo" to him....this means I love you in portuguese, and he wispered "te amo" back to me. I looked again forward again to my son David (LD), breathed deeply and from there I couldn't hold back. I felt it all at that point. I so wanted Tony to be here, LD infront of me and Dustin behind me and there....the foodgates were open. I couldn't stop. LD came to me and said to me "I love you Mom" it makes me want to cry again just reading this and then the music started. She is beautiful. Courtney came down in a glass elevator to meet her father waiting for her to give her to my son. He is marrying into a nice family, I really couldn't have asked for better in-laws. they always make me feel comfortable. "Bev and Doug". I'm still sitting there trying to stop crying and someone brings me a tissue. Half way through the vows the photographer is blocking my view. It's like I was invisible. Didn't he realize what he was doing? I was missing it! Doug even tried to tell him to move and he didn't!!
As much as I hated missing this part it did give me time to compose myself.
Then it was over, they didn't want the exchange of vows to be long and it wasn't.
After that we all retired to the outer room to be announced, LD and Courtney went up the elevator, it was picture time.
The wedding was very beautiful thanks to Bev and Doug.

Same Mistake-James Blunt

Alot has been happening at the homefront....

Everyday I think of my baby, I go by the house of the new owner of the Expedition twice everyday. No, I'm not stalking the new owners like my kids like to say. It's on the way to and from my job so....I don't know if it's good or bad to do this but I feel bad when I miss a day, they keep it in the garage so sometimes I'm disappointed but when the garage door is open I see it and just go "awww". Is this sick? I really don't care if it is. I feel closer to him when I do see the SUV.
It's been kind of rough these months, more than usual from March to May. My Tony was born on the 4th of March and that day when I lost him was on the 13th of April. Tony's wake was the 15th of May. I lost my father on the 9th of April in 1999. I named my Tony after my Dad. These months I guess are the worst. I miss him terribly every day. Time keeps going and it's like I left him back there in 2004 at 23. Now I have my other son David who will be 23 on July 26 this year. He will be married this coming saturday the 24th of May. Tony would've been Best Man at this wedding. There's no question LD said, the brothers were so close. I love LD but I'm sort of going through the motions. I know it's a special day for him but LD and Courtney have been together for 4 years. They met right after the accident. You can say we pushed them together my mother my daughters and I. We thought she was a good girl from the start. Solange was the one who helped LD pick out the engagement ring.
Solange has been attending the Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy in Orlando. She made "Honor Role" this very first grading period. I'm so proud of her and I know Tony would be too, he'd be beaming. Afterall, he helped me raise her.

From Chris D.
Its been 4 years since i lost one of my best friends......he was a great friend,almost like the big brother i never had....he was very much loved and will always be in our hearts...... much love hommie....antonio mendes austin...love and miss u!!!!

From April marking Tony's "anniversary"

In about one hour will mark the 4 yr anniversary of my brothers death. i miss him so much and pray that he is looking down upon everyone smiling. this is a poem that i wrote for him last year and would love anyone and everyone to read it if they havent already.

it is on my page already but i have added a little
more to it now that i have a son.... this sums up just about how i feel..


WHERE DO I START?

NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU
REALLY MEANT TO ME-
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I
CAN MAKE THEM SEE-
THAT I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ARE
A BIG PART OF MY HEART-
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER EVEN
THOUGH WE ARE APART-

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR FLAWS-
AND NOW THAT I AM WITHOUT YOU
I FEEL SO EMPTY AND SMALL-
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND DREAM
OF YOU NEAR-
BUT WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I
CAN SEE ARE TEARS-

YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO-
YOU WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND
SAY "GIRL YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU"-
YOU USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE OK-
YOU WOULD HOLD ME TIGHT AND
WIPE MY TEARS AWAY-

I KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR PHONE
CALL ASKING IF I CAN TALK-
AND SEE IF I CAN COME OVER SO
WE CAN GO ON OUR LONG WALK-
I CHERISH EVERY MEMORY AND
MOMENT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER-
I WILL HOLD THEM IN MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER-

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU HAD TO GO AWAY-
AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I COULD
OF DONE TO HAVE MADE YOU STAY-
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER, "WHAT IF
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE?"-
WOULD I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU
ONLY THROUGH MY PRAYERS?-

THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT GIVE
TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK IN TIME-
JUST TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
AND HOLD YOU JUST ONE MORE TIME-
YOU HELD EVERYONE TOGETHER THAT
MUCH I CAN SAY IS TRUE-
YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
AND WISH TO SEE YOU SOON-

I CANT IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD
HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT YOU-
I JUST WISH THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD
HAVE KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TOO-
SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE-
SO WHEN SHE DOES FINALLY MEET YOU
YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS-



ANOTHER YEAR HAS GONE BY
AND NOW I HAVE A SON-
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN
HEAVEN SMILING FROM ABOVE-
EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NEVER
MET YOU FACE TO FACE-
I KNOW THAT WHEN HE LOOKS UP ABOVE
AND SMILES, HE IS LOOKING UPON YOUR FACE-

I WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE TO HELP
TEACH HIM ALL ABOUT THINGS IN LIFE-
GUIDING HIM THROUGH THE HARD TIMES
AND NOT LETTING HIM LOSE SITE-
SOMEONE HE COULD CONFIDE IN WHEN
MOMMY AND DADDY DONT UNDERSTAND-
TO CATCH HIM WHEN HE FALLS OR JUST
NEEDS A LOVING HAND-

I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE THERE IN SPIRIT
TO GUIDE THEM THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD-
YOU WILL BE THERE IN THEIR HEARTS WHEN
THEY ARE FEELING ALONE AND SAD-
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH THEM EVEN THOUGH
YOU ARE APART-
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US IN SPIRIT
AND IN OUR HEARTS-

I LOVE YOU TONY

IN MEMORY OF ANTONIO
03-04-1981 TO 04-13-2004


WRITTEN BY APRIL

Tony's Birth Day

I have been wanting to come here and write something for my baby but it's been so hard. On March 4th 1981 I gave birth to my beautiful boy who grew into such a handsome Man. A Man with morals and standards, decency and honor. I couldn't be more proud. I have always been so proud.
The loss, the void is there, can't hide from it. Time really doesn't heal. not this kind of pain. It's so hard for me to wake up every morning. But I think about him every second.
I found the new owner to Tony's expedition. I found the truck on the way to work one morning when I was trying a new short cut. Now, needless to say, I take that way to work and come home that way everyday. I pass the house, the expedition is pretty much always there when I pass. I say to myself "there's my baby's truck" everytime I see it. If I could I'd buy it back, fix it up.
March usually starts off the "more depressed months". I struggle everyday but March is when he was born, April is when I lost both my Dad (the 9th) and my son (the 13th).
Tony is Dad's namesake, Antonio. Dad died at 66, also too young. I wish they were both still here.
Ld will be married in May and Tony won't be here. Solange wants me to wear Tony's brown suit jacket. I want to take his hat. I may take both, reserve a seat and place his things on it.
I pray Jehovah give me the strength to go on for the rest. But I'd rather go to sleep and end the pain.