Spent the day with my mom today. I can make her laugh and this makes me happy. My mom has been through so much in her life I admire her. There are some really cruel people in this world and in my mom's case you don't have to look very far. These are people who when they want to hurt you they go for the jugular. These are people I am sure pray for forgiveness everynight yet are doing the unforgiveable everyday. I call that living a double life. My mom doesn't deserve this. I love and appreciate her everyday more and more. She's my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her and pray that I won't have to know for a very long while yet, if ever.
I love you mom.

"Your Picture" by Gloria Estefan

Every day I wake up to your picture
Open up my eyes and there's still you
In the very corner I first placed you
The very same expression
That lights up all of my room

Though the colors may be somewhat faded
The smile has almost vanished from your face
As you disappear I re-invent you
From my imagination
You'll never be erased

There is no way to bargain with the future
In the end there are no guarantees... oh no
Even if you're gone I'll always find you
Right here where I left you
Smiling back at me

(chorus)
Every star has a season, a moment, a reason to be
We may watch with regret as they flicker then die
But at least for one second we bathed in the light
of their passing
The memory is still lasting
Through the years and the distance your image remains
LIke the first day I saw you, you'll never be changed
As a token you left me your picture

Every day I wake up to your picture
I fashion you a different attitude
Try to visualize the things you're doing
Not in desperation
Just to feel a part of you

There is no way to bargain with the future
What we have in store we can't forsee... oh no
Even if you're gone I'll always find you
Right here where I left you
Smiling back at me

(Repeat chorus)

This was a long weekend. I stayed in and hid in my bedroom for the most part. I kept thinking about how if Tony had been here he would have had a huge bbq at his house. He loved to be surrounded by his friends and family. I really miss my Tony.

More on mean people. Seems you can never get away from them. One thing for sure though, being separated since 1993 there have been many times when I felt that I wouldn't have been so mistreated or disrespected had their been a man around. But, as Tony got older, I had less 'mean people' to deal with. I felt protected and safe from undesirables. If I were at the mall or grocery shopping with Tony if a man looked at me for too long or said something Tony thought disrespectful, Tony would say something to him, not just stare them down but say something to get them back in check. To Tony, disrespecting me or anyone in his family you would be disrespecting him. This is how any self respecting man acted, I thought. My dad was like this, my uncles, my grandfather. Your mother, your family was number #1. Have times changed so much? Wherever Tony went his presence demanded respect, his voice, his stature. But now, I feel like a sitting duck, very vulnerable. I've lost my bodyguard. I'm latin, mother's are sacred! I felt special with Tony, he made me feel special not to mention very proud, so very proud. When I lost Tony I lost all that.

This is a beautiful dedication written to my son from April. Seeing this makes me happy? to remember how much of an impact Tony had on other peoples lives. When I tell people he was special there are people who actually know what I mean. This is what April wrote for Tony on the day he would be 26 years old and I love you April for remembering him this way....

TO MY BROTHER

WHERE DO I START?

NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU
REALLY MEANT TO ME
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I
CAN MAKE THEM SEE
THAT I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ARE
A BIG PART OF MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER EVEN
THOUGH WE ARE APART

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR FLAWS
AND NOW THAT I AM WITHOUT YOU
I FEEL SO EMPTY AND SMALL
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND DREAM
OF YOU NEAR
BUT WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I
CAN SEE ARE TEARS
YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO
YOU WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND
SAY "GIRL YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU"
YOU USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE OK
YOU WOULD HOLD ME TIGHT AND
WIPE MY TEARS AWAY

I KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR PHONE
CALL ASKING IF I CAN TALK
AND SEE IF I CAN COME OVER SO
WE CAN GO ON OUR LONG WALK
I CHERISH EVERY MEMORY AND
MOMENT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER
I WILL HOLD THEM IN MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU HAD TO GO AWAY
AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I COULD
OF DONE TO HAVE MADE YOU STAY
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER, "WHAT IF
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE?"
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU
ONLY THROUGH MY PRAYERS?

THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT GIVE
TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK IN TIME
JUST TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
AND HOLD YOU JUST ONE MORE TIME
YOU HELD EVERYONE TOGETHER THAT
MUCH I CAN SAY IS TRUE
YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
AND WISH TO SEE YOU SOON

I CANT IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD
HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT YOU
I JUST WISH THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD
HAVE KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TOO
SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE
SO WHEN SHE DOES FINALLY MEET YOU
YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS


IN MEMORY OF ANTONIO
03-04-1981 TO 04-13-2004

WRITTEN BY APRIL

I've had one message emailed to me since I started this blog. I already have a hard time sleeping, this person just made it worse. Their email wasn't to say "sorry for your loss" or anything like that. That person was EXACTLY from the lot that called the social worker and the one who compared my loss to her losing her dog that I mentioned earlier in my blog. Why is it if people can't say anything upbuilding they just don't keep their mouths shut? Especially reading my blog and seeing the pain I have to deal with on a daily bases? That person didn't even leave a return email or anything. If they were genuinely trying to help why did they stay anonymous so I couldn't write them back? I mention in my blog that I'm reaching out to people with the same experiences, since I can't find anyone to "listen" I'm talking through my blog. I'm so glad God is my only judge, the one that matters, because if God had chosen people like you to judge there would be absolutely no hope for me.