"God only knows what I'd be without you...."

When I would think of my children and how much I love them and lived only for them one of the songs that come to mind is from the Beach Boys "God only knows". I love my children so much. But since Tony's been gone I feel like I'm in a zombie state. It's like I've reached that part of the lyrics where it says,
"If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you."
As a mother I had found no other greater love, real love, on this earth. But then you lose your child in some unnatural way, a part of you also dies. I go on as everyone expects me to but I'm not living, 'the world could show nothing to me' now. Everything has been thrown out of balance. My lust for life is gone. I just exist.

She's the Baby

My Baby turned 20 this week (August). Tony would've been so proud of his little sister. LD had a theme party for her at his house. The theme was "Disco". When I saw the photos it looked more like they took their cue from the Austin Powers trilogy movies, the "60's". Solange, LD, Joe, Schivone and Chris M. looked like they had it right but as far as the others they looked more like the "60's" GO-GO dancers. What's hilarious is when I tried to give my input, they said they got their idea from the internet. But hello? I was there, "back in the day" I know what I was wearing. The internet wan't even invented yet. Kids, they know everything.

Time is so short

My uncle Libby passed away on the 4th. While fireworks went off outside at 9:20pm my uncle passed away. I haven't seen him in years, my family is pretty spread out, but I do vividly remember him. The memorial was last saturday. I didn't go. My grandfather passed away last year and now my uncle. What a cruel world we live in. We always lose the good ones so soon. These ones that make a real impact in our lives and future generations. What a short time we all have here. I remember them in my life as I was growing up. They made such a difference in how I turned out, even affecting my children as a chain reaction if you look closely. I know they loved me, they were very caring, loving and affectionate. Strange as it may seem I felt beautiful around them, they made me feel so special. I think this has alot has to do with the confidence I gave my children in their appearance and their beauty inside and out. I thank my uncles and my grandfather, my grandmother, my cousins, one in particular, always made me feel special.

I haven't been able to talk or write too much lately about my Tony. You can never predict when you'll be hit the hardest as far as the time of the year goes. What I mean is some people feel you will "feel" harder hit by your loss during the holidays and when this happens you have the dreaded feeling "here comes the holidays" hold on tight feelings, (reminds me of that song by Phill Collins) then there's the climax (this also reminds me of labor pains) then the time you need to recupe after all those feelings surfaced during those months. But then there's the anniversary of the occurence, then there's the birthday, mother's day, I can go on and on I guess because you never really have a good period after this. Isn't that weird? As I write this I'm kinda realizing it even though I already knew this.
Well needless to say mother's day and the anniversary has passed and I still couldn't bring myself to write on the blog or even talk about it without being all of a sudden hit with the void in my heart, the pain.
Today I talked to my aunt Nina. For the first time I actually told her how we really lost my Tony. Very few people knew. I told everyone it was his heart. The family is so spread out I thought I could just tell everyone that and at the same time be truthfull. He DID have Cardiomegaly, an enlarged heart, he, figuaratively speaking also had a huge heart, and lastly and sadly he was shot in the heart. I didn't want to do alot of explaining. For me not talking about it sometimes I could deny it happened. Because I never saw him that day I could go on imagining him walking through my front door. Then there are times you HAVE to talk about it and it's as if my lips are moving and audible words are coming out but I feel like I'm having an out of body experience looking at myself tell the story but it's monotone, I don't understand any of it. I'm telling the story, like a script. It's still not REAL.

letting go....not even.

I haven't written in awhile. Been kind of depressed. We had to get rid of the Expedition. Tony's SUV. Don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic, the Expedition was already 10 years old, it's just that it belonged to Tony but I couldn't afford another transmission for it. We traded it in for a 2005 GrandAm with under 40K miles. Goes to show how much of himself Tony put into the Expedition though. Custom color, bodywork, rims. When the trade was being processed the lady at the credit union said it would be sold at an auction and taken out of state. She said this is what usually happens. It cost alot of tears turning it over. It would be cruel we thought to see it around town driven by someone else, belonging to another family. But then yesterday my daughter was told by her bestfriend she saw it at a dealership the next town over. If I could afford to I'd buy it back, she was crushed, I can understand that.

Spent the day with my mom today. I can make her laugh and this makes me happy. My mom has been through so much in her life I admire her. There are some really cruel people in this world and in my mom's case you don't have to look very far. These are people who when they want to hurt you they go for the jugular. These are people I am sure pray for forgiveness everynight yet are doing the unforgiveable everyday. I call that living a double life. My mom doesn't deserve this. I love and appreciate her everyday more and more. She's my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her and pray that I won't have to know for a very long while yet, if ever.
I love you mom.