From Chris D.
Its been 4 years since i lost one of my best friends......he was a great friend,almost like the big brother i never had....he was very much loved and will always be in our hearts...... much love hommie....antonio mendes austin...love and miss u!!!!

From April marking Tony's "anniversary"

In about one hour will mark the 4 yr anniversary of my brothers death. i miss him so much and pray that he is looking down upon everyone smiling. this is a poem that i wrote for him last year and would love anyone and everyone to read it if they havent already.

it is on my page already but i have added a little
more to it now that i have a son.... this sums up just about how i feel..


WHERE DO I START?

NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU
REALLY MEANT TO ME-
I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I
CAN MAKE THEM SEE-
THAT I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND ARE
A BIG PART OF MY HEART-
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER EVEN
THOUGH WE ARE APART-

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR FLAWS-
AND NOW THAT I AM WITHOUT YOU
I FEEL SO EMPTY AND SMALL-
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND DREAM
OF YOU NEAR-
BUT WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I
CAN SEE ARE TEARS-

YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME
WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO-
YOU WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND
SAY "GIRL YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU"-
YOU USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE OK-
YOU WOULD HOLD ME TIGHT AND
WIPE MY TEARS AWAY-

I KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR PHONE
CALL ASKING IF I CAN TALK-
AND SEE IF I CAN COME OVER SO
WE CAN GO ON OUR LONG WALK-
I CHERISH EVERY MEMORY AND
MOMENT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER-
I WILL HOLD THEM IN MY HEART
FOR ALWAYS AND FOREVER-

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU HAD TO GO AWAY-
AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I COULD
OF DONE TO HAVE MADE YOU STAY-
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER, "WHAT IF
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE?"-
WOULD I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU
ONLY THROUGH MY PRAYERS?-

THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT GIVE
TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK IN TIME-
JUST TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU
AND HOLD YOU JUST ONE MORE TIME-
YOU HELD EVERYONE TOGETHER THAT
MUCH I CAN SAY IS TRUE-
YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
AND WISH TO SEE YOU SOON-

I CANT IMAGINE WHAT MY LIFE WOULD
HAVE BEEN LIKE WITHOUT YOU-
I JUST WISH THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD
HAVE KNOWN WHAT THAT WAS LIKE TOO-
SHE WILL ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE-
SO WHEN SHE DOES FINALLY MEET YOU
YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS-



ANOTHER YEAR HAS GONE BY
AND NOW I HAVE A SON-
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN
HEAVEN SMILING FROM ABOVE-
EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NEVER
MET YOU FACE TO FACE-
I KNOW THAT WHEN HE LOOKS UP ABOVE
AND SMILES, HE IS LOOKING UPON YOUR FACE-

I WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE TO HELP
TEACH HIM ALL ABOUT THINGS IN LIFE-
GUIDING HIM THROUGH THE HARD TIMES
AND NOT LETTING HIM LOSE SITE-
SOMEONE HE COULD CONFIDE IN WHEN
MOMMY AND DADDY DONT UNDERSTAND-
TO CATCH HIM WHEN HE FALLS OR JUST
NEEDS A LOVING HAND-

I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE THERE IN SPIRIT
TO GUIDE THEM THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD-
YOU WILL BE THERE IN THEIR HEARTS WHEN
THEY ARE FEELING ALONE AND SAD-
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH THEM EVEN THOUGH
YOU ARE APART-
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US IN SPIRIT
AND IN OUR HEARTS-

I LOVE YOU TONY

IN MEMORY OF ANTONIO
03-04-1981 TO 04-13-2004


WRITTEN BY APRIL

Tony's Birth Day

I have been wanting to come here and write something for my baby but it's been so hard. On March 4th 1981 I gave birth to my beautiful boy who grew into such a handsome Man. A Man with morals and standards, decency and honor. I couldn't be more proud. I have always been so proud.
The loss, the void is there, can't hide from it. Time really doesn't heal. not this kind of pain. It's so hard for me to wake up every morning. But I think about him every second.
I found the new owner to Tony's expedition. I found the truck on the way to work one morning when I was trying a new short cut. Now, needless to say, I take that way to work and come home that way everyday. I pass the house, the expedition is pretty much always there when I pass. I say to myself "there's my baby's truck" everytime I see it. If I could I'd buy it back, fix it up.
March usually starts off the "more depressed months". I struggle everyday but March is when he was born, April is when I lost both my Dad (the 9th) and my son (the 13th).
Tony is Dad's namesake, Antonio. Dad died at 66, also too young. I wish they were both still here.
Ld will be married in May and Tony won't be here. Solange wants me to wear Tony's brown suit jacket. I want to take his hat. I may take both, reserve a seat and place his things on it.
I pray Jehovah give me the strength to go on for the rest. But I'd rather go to sleep and end the pain.

HOW WISH YOU WERE HERE MY TONY

WISH YOU WERE HERE by PINK FLOYED
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

translations....

To know me is to understand that I speak two languages, portuguese and english. I grew up in the USA but I was born in Brazil to a brazilian family immigrated to the USA but lived in a brazilian community so sometimes it is easier for me to express myself and how I'm feeling in one language more than the other. Just bear with me. If you want a translation, you know where I am.

Aproveite oque é importante....

always appreciate what is important.

Carinhos....

This is me and my Baby lovin' on his momma, his Má like he used to call me. It took me so long to be able to get my sister to send me this but I finally have it. I remember the day we took this. I've been asking for it since he went away. Almost 4 years. I can't believe it's been 4 yrs. I hate to think about the time lost without him. It's like time went on and he's still there in April 13, 2004. I love this boy. The pain is so hard to bear. I always wish I was with him. I never thought it could happen to "us" . I'll never think like that again.