Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Traditions
Solange has been staying with her brother, LD. She says everything is fine there. I miss her though. We've never been apart for this long.
This is a bad time of year. I don't celebrate the holiday's but if I were to visit the mall, with all the reminders everywhere I know that it would just depress me knowing another year has passed without Tony.
Ever since I can remember New Years Eve has been remembered this way....My father, who's also no longer here, would gather all four of us kids and my mom would sit indian style on the floor, holding hands say a prayer. As I child I viewed this as OUR tradition. Dad would be silent, I know he was praying. He never told me what for but I figured it was to thank God Jehovah for another year passed that we're here, survived in one piece and to guide us and protect us for yet another year, keep us safe and together.
I carried on this tradition and the kids always indulged me. No matter where they were if they weren't already home with me they would stop where ever they were, most times with friends in tow come home and as the clock struck they'd be holding on to me.
The first year without Tony was bad, all I could do was cry saying over and over "my baby, my baby" as I held onto baby Alyssa. I don't know if I scared Tony and April C. or not but I needed that moment.
The second year I was at my inlaw's to be house Bev and Doug's. I held back the tears but got violently ill in their bathroom. I cleaned up after myself so I don't think anyone noticed. It must have been my nerves, holding my tears back gave me such a migrane.
The third time LD left his party, Solange and Schivone came home from the same party all so I wouldn't be alone.
This year LD took me out to dinner. Solange, My mom, Brian and me. Courtney was home getting ready for the party they were going to after dinner. Schivone wasn't with me. I think LD took me to dinner to ease his conscience. I told him he didn't have to do that. My mom and Solange got back to my mom's place. I felt very lonely. More than I thought I would. I missed having all my kids close.
This is a bad time of year. I don't celebrate the holiday's but if I were to visit the mall, with all the reminders everywhere I know that it would just depress me knowing another year has passed without Tony.
Ever since I can remember New Years Eve has been remembered this way....My father, who's also no longer here, would gather all four of us kids and my mom would sit indian style on the floor, holding hands say a prayer. As I child I viewed this as OUR tradition. Dad would be silent, I know he was praying. He never told me what for but I figured it was to thank God Jehovah for another year passed that we're here, survived in one piece and to guide us and protect us for yet another year, keep us safe and together.
I carried on this tradition and the kids always indulged me. No matter where they were if they weren't already home with me they would stop where ever they were, most times with friends in tow come home and as the clock struck they'd be holding on to me.
The first year without Tony was bad, all I could do was cry saying over and over "my baby, my baby" as I held onto baby Alyssa. I don't know if I scared Tony and April C. or not but I needed that moment.
The second year I was at my inlaw's to be house Bev and Doug's. I held back the tears but got violently ill in their bathroom. I cleaned up after myself so I don't think anyone noticed. It must have been my nerves, holding my tears back gave me such a migrane.
The third time LD left his party, Solange and Schivone came home from the same party all so I wouldn't be alone.
This year LD took me out to dinner. Solange, My mom, Brian and me. Courtney was home getting ready for the party they were going to after dinner. Schivone wasn't with me. I think LD took me to dinner to ease his conscience. I told him he didn't have to do that. My mom and Solange got back to my mom's place. I felt very lonely. More than I thought I would. I missed having all my kids close.
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