I'm working on a temp job. A company that provides child care for parents who are trying to get back into the workforce.
I was talking to my boss, and she's the one who clued me in. I was asked to temp there to pull charts and make sure they're in order for audit.
They didn't have this "help" when I was first separated with 4 kids, the eldest, my Tony at 12. If they did I wasn't aware of the program or services.
Thank God for my son who would be interviewed and comments the social workers would give me were that my Tony was the most mature 12 year old they have ever met. I already knew this. A week before the tragic death of my son happened I was taking him to the Dr's office in Tampa and did get a chance to thank him again and tell him how much I appreciated him and if it were not for him I don't know how we would've made it through. Thank you Jehovah for answering my prayers before Tony was born. I got everything I asked for in my first born son. I just wish I had more time with him.
My boss asked me where "they" all are these days. I told her my eldest had passed away 4 years ago. Ld just got married and bought a new home, Schivone works hard working for the cable company and Solange works at Disney in Orlando and is going to school full time to be a cordon blue pastry chef. She said I did pretty good.
With Jehovah's help Tony and I did pretty good.

Holding on

There are those who, with good intentions, attempt to help those of us who grieve by removing from our lives reminders of what is gone. That is not what we want. These memories--these crumbs --are not something we wish to be done with. We want to remember.

One of the things I have learned about sorrow is that often we grieve most keenly for the loss of what we really never had but only anticipated. We are sustained in life so greatly by our hopes for the future, by projected scenarios involving ourselves and our loved ones, and when these fail to be realized we feel we have been deprived of what seems already rightfully ours.

As a youth and as a young adult, I had seen my grandfathers and then my grandmothers pass away. I cared for them, and would miss them, but they had fulfilled their years. The young especially do not grieve for long when death comes in timely fashion and releases the old from their burdens. But premature death is something else. When a loved one is erased even as he stands on the threshold of maturity, the event lacks the naturalness that could reconcile us to it.

I find it hard to express myself sometimes so this was taken from H. Wayne Schow, he too lost his beloved son.

I'm the mother of 4

I still feel I have 4 children. Some people have actually argued with me saying I only have three knowing my situation. Bully's. I do everything in 4's. I feel if I don't I'd be leaving one out. Tony is still a part of my life. Why do people do this?
I'm so sad all the time. I don't show it because I don't want to reveal this to my "other" children. I get silly. I laugh with my children but deep down I'm so sad. Tony's missing everything. Everything he'd be so proud of his brother and sister's for. Tony's life insurance money helped buy LD's house but he'd still be proud of him, he always was. He works hard. Schivone has been there for me, my comic relief, she's growing up. good job and independent. Solange is in school, the school of "le cordon bleu" and it's for something Tony was always bragging about her for, her baking. The first year she accomplished so much. She learned alot, even part of the honor's society, working full time for Disney and going to school M-F. Goes right to school from work.
Solange is in limbo right now trying to get a co-signer for 2nd semester. In the next 24 hours we find out if she can continue school or not. My Dad who is gone would be very proud of her too. He always pushed school, school and more school. My Dad did make money available for his grandchildren before he passed away but my sister is sitting on it. For the past 10 years now she's been sitting on it.
That's another story. Money changes people.
As of Nov. 2008 Solange was able to continue with school. She will be graduating with honors, I'm so proud of my baby girl.