The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds of the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind.
written by Francois de la Rochefoucauld

I dream about him every so often but I don't bring him up in conversation as much. It's been a while because I get these looks like "Really?!" But I miss him so much. I can't stress this enough if anyone thinks this won't happen to them is totally wrong. I still ask myself this. When I look back at how everyone was so careful with me and warnings of how this or that may go wrong with the baby, it actually scares me. It was a risk pregnancy. I was writing those warnings off as Nothing, those things can't happen to us, to me. I thought that it would be so close too close to home and things like that wouldn't happen to us. I was so wrong. I miss him so much. It still hurts so much. I love all my kids and to know I had all them, they are my life, they are my heart. They were what I lived for. My pride and joy. I still can't believe it. A part of my anatomy is gone. I can't function as before, neither do I care to.

I've been wanting to write on here how I've been feeling for some time now. I've dreamt about Tony, some happy dreams from when he was young and safe with me and also not so good memories of feeling guilty from when he was growing up the eldest and my putting so much responsibility on him. I guess, well, more like pretty sure it comes from when I had so much responsibility put on me as a child but I wasn't so ridged or strict with him, he was so mature and trustworthy I let him pretty much run the show. I didn't copy my parents. Growing up in the 60's and 70's I wonder how I survived my parents, my punishments. But they do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yet I don't look at myself as being so strong. I could leave this earth at a drop of a hat. I admit this here but to keep from being put away I'll always deny it.
I feel sometimes like I'm in a bubble surrounded by words. Maybe it's because I can't form a sentence to make anyone understand what I'm going through. I still cry all the time. I miss him so much. I still imagine my Tony walking through the door. It's starting to irritate me though when people say to imagine he's on a vacation. But the truth of the matter is he's never coming home. It was so easy before when I felt overwhelmed I'd pick up the phone and call him and talk to him and he'd make me feel better because he was such a good listener. Or when I felt I had to see him and he'd come right over just for a hug, or I'd go over to his house just for a hug. To see my son Tony drive up in the driveway was like the closest thing to a celebrity, to me even better. I would get so happy to hear his SUV pull in the driveway. I'd meet him outside so happy to see him and just hug him. He was so special to me. Getting one of his hugs would make me feel so....hard to describe. He loved me. We had been through so much, he was my rock. I miss that feeling, I miss him so much. I love all my children. But I'll never have that again.
He called me that night before and confided in me his plans for the future. It didn't include her. He's gone now because of her. She took the most precious gift God gave me. The gift of being his mother. How can I forgive that Jehovah? I'm not perfect. How can I forgive her for that?

My mom had her surgery to her neck. The following week it did get infected. The Doctor explained that it was her saliva glands that had gotten very infected. He squeezed all the infection out right there in the office. I could tell it was very painful for my mom. Now 2 weeks later the area is hardened but the Doctor looked at it this monday and said it would be several weeks before that area would start to appear normal. In the end tumor that was removed wasn't cancer so we were happy about that.
My grandson is doing much better. He survived the swine flu and so did his momma. LD got to see him last thursday after he stopped at his pre school. He hadn't seen LD in awhile so they were very happy to see eachother. holding on tight to his neck he whispered in LD's ear he wanted to go home but LD told him he had to go to work and that he would be picked up as normal later probably by his other grandma. LD was with Solange. She got a big hug too. Makes me sad LD doesn't get to see his son as much as he would like because he has to work 7 days a week now.

Not at all a good day....

Yesterday was not a good day. I had to pre-register my mom for surgery next wednesday, the 9th. She goes in to remove a tumor on the right side of her neck the size of an ehh. The Doc said may be cancer. She alergic to the anesthesia, she has trouble waking up and last time she got violently ill.
And then there's my grandbaby to which I found out last night has the swine flu. Today his fever climbed to 101 degrees.
I'm at the verge of crying all the time seeing all this and more around me and feel useless unable to do anything about it. This life is so cruel, so unjust. I can't wait till the new system. We all need it so bad.
Rev. 21:4 and I'll be able to see my Tony again.
I was so happy before when he was here. Anything came my way I still felt so blessed because I knew Jehovah and he had blessed me allowing me to be their mom. 4 of the most beautiful blessings, my answered prayer. Now I feel useless, so useless.

Solange @ 22

Our babycakers was born 22 yrs ago today. As she put's it 22 yrs ago she "was taken from my womb, not by choice". she was supposed to be born in July but wasn't ready to go down the super slide of life. she liked the butt groove she had made comfortable for herself, so I made a choice, since I could no longer walk normally, wobbled like a weeble, made the appt. and that's all she wrote.
Tony was a real help with Solange. He would be so proud of where she is in her life right now. He used to refer to her as "I'm the baby" as if she was talking, copying that cartoon they had on the air at the time, a dinosaur family with a baby that always said "I'm the baby".
He was very protective of her as with all his siblings. He really loved his baby sister.

Easy Sleepin'

I ask from Tony's friends sometimes a memory of him but recently I remembered one of my own. When I brought Schivone home from the hospital she was about 24 hours old, this was 27 yrs ago. I got home and for him to be able to interact with her for a little bit I put a blanket down in the middle of the living room and laid baby Schivone on her back and had Tony sit beside her so he could meet his little sister, touch her, etc. Schivone was born a year, one month, less one day after Tony. He sat there close to her and I could tell he wanted to touch her and I let him showing him how gentle he should be and saying "easy Tony, easy". Every time he went for her cheek I'd tell him "easy, easy". He was very gentle.
Schivone was now home and visitors would come wanting to take a peek, even my father came in from Connecticut as a surprise.
Tony was very protective of Schivone even at that little young age.
But, I remember when I had her comfortable in her crib with the door of her room slightly ajar and Tony would check on her once in awhile. I remember one time there was a knock on the door though and as the guests were coming in he would run to her room, point and say "easy, sleepin', shhh, easy, sleepin'". I figured it out after a while, he thought that was her name....Easy. (smiles) as he got older he realized her real name but for awhile it was "Easy".