The Myth of Getting Over It by Steven Kalas

When our first child is born, a loud voice says,
"Runners, take your marks!" We hear the
starting gun and the race begins. It's a race we
must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition
is called "I'll race you to the grave." I'm
currently racing three sons. I really want to
win.
Not everyone wins.
I'm soon going on stage to speak before a
crowd of parents and loved ones impacted by
the death of a child. My address is titled, "The
Myth of Getting Over it." It's my attempt to answer
the driving questions of grieving parents:
When will I get over this? How do I get over
This?
You don't get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate
goal. An unreasonable hope.
The loss of a child changes you. It changes
your marriage. It changes the way birds sing.
It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You
are forever different.
You don't want to get over it. Don't act
surprised. As awful a burden as grief is,
you know intuitively that it matters, that it
is profoundly important to be grieving.
Your grief plays a crucial part in staying
connected to your child's life. To give up
your grief would mean losing your child yet
again. If I had the power to take your grief
away, you'd fight me to keep it. Your grief
is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere
inside you, you know that.
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is
to get on with it.
Profound grief is like being in a stage play
wherein suddenly the stagehands push a
huge grand piano into the middle of the
set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates
the stage. No matter where you
move, it impedes your sight lines, your
blocking, your ability to interact with the
other players. You keep banging into it,
surprised each time that it's still there. It
takes all your concentration to work
around it, this at a time when you have little
ability or desire to concentrate on anything.
The piano changes everything. The entire
Play must be rewritten around it. But
over time the piano is pushed to stage left.
Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright,
and slowly, surely, you begin to find
the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting
to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage
it. Instead of writing every scene
around the piano, you begin to write the
piano into each scene into the story.
You learn to play that piano. You're surprised
to find that you want to play, that it's meaningful,
even peaceful to play it.

A Moment of Happiness....

As I previously posted my son was married on May 24, 2008. The wedding was very beautiful and I am so happy my son is happy and I couldn't have asked for nicer in-laws. My son got married this day, there was some really happy moments. I know I cried but I also smiled alot, even laughed, danced, did the conga line, so happy to see some of my family I hadn't seen in so long some I haven't seen in almost 10 years as in Dustin's case (my nephew). Did I have a right to be so happy? According to some people because I showed this emotion I shouldn't be complaining about my loss, afterall I looked like I was having such a good time. Why do I have to justify myself?
I really didn't think I would be able to show such emotion again. I still hurt and feel a loss so great I'm not even going into it right now but me having a good time doesn't mean I'm over it. I'm so confused about the reaction of this person I can't even put it into words.

I've Been Having these Dreams lately....

In my dreams I am constantly looking for Tony. There are even people in my dreams helping me look for Tony. To describe it though is like a tv program where yes, I'm looking for Tony, people there enlisted to help, challenges along the way, things are learned. Very strange, these dreams are sometimes every night, sometimes once in awhile.
I haven't logged in lately. Didn't know how to make the announcement of my second born son getting married. It was very beautiful, she's beautiful and my son looked like a movie star all dressed up. He was so happy that day you could see it in his face, eyes, smile. Needless to say I know Tony would've been very proud of his little brother. LD told me if Tony had been there he would have been best man.
LD walked me to my seat, I thought he would have been too busy as the groom for that. It surprised me. I sat in the front row with my daughters and my mother on the grooms side. I watched my son as he stood there and started to think about how far he's come, from a little wrapped up bundle in my arms to this grown man infront of me. Who was he? My son. He stood there with this smile on his face and bright eyes, a smile so beautiful and he looked so gorgeous. Images of my baby went through my mind from that bundle of happiness til now and I had to keep telling myself "don't do it, don't do it" I was thinking....don't cry. I started to look around me for familiar faces, my daughters were glowing they were so beautiful. My mother too all dressed in gold lace. I looked behind me, my ex-husband with his girlfriend. It was the first time I've ever seen him in a tux. I looked down the second row, looked like Aulia, her Dad, at first glance it looked like she brought someone with her. I turned around, looked again, he looked familiar, I turned again and Solange told me "....that's Dustin!" (my nephew) I looked again and it was!! I reached out to him and held his hand and wispered "te amo" to him....this means I love you in portuguese, and he wispered "te amo" back to me. I looked again forward again to my son David (LD), breathed deeply and from there I couldn't hold back. I felt it all at that point. I so wanted Tony to be here, LD infront of me and Dustin behind me and there....the foodgates were open. I couldn't stop. LD came to me and said to me "I love you Mom" it makes me want to cry again just reading this and then the music started. She is beautiful. Courtney came down in a glass elevator to meet her father waiting for her to give her to my son. He is marrying into a nice family, I really couldn't have asked for better in-laws. they always make me feel comfortable. "Bev and Doug". I'm still sitting there trying to stop crying and someone brings me a tissue. Half way through the vows the photographer is blocking my view. It's like I was invisible. Didn't he realize what he was doing? I was missing it! Doug even tried to tell him to move and he didn't!!
As much as I hated missing this part it did give me time to compose myself.
Then it was over, they didn't want the exchange of vows to be long and it wasn't.
After that we all retired to the outer room to be announced, LD and Courtney went up the elevator, it was picture time.
The wedding was very beautiful thanks to Bev and Doug.