The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds of the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind.
written by Francois de la Rochefoucauld

I dream about him every so often but I don't bring him up in conversation as much. It's been a while because I get these looks like "Really?!" But I miss him so much. I can't stress this enough if anyone thinks this won't happen to them is totally wrong. I still ask myself this. When I look back at how everyone was so careful with me and warnings of how this or that may go wrong with the baby, it actually scares me. It was a risk pregnancy. I was writing those warnings off as Nothing, those things can't happen to us, to me. I thought that it would be so close too close to home and things like that wouldn't happen to us. I was so wrong. I miss him so much. It still hurts so much. I love all my kids and to know I had all them, they are my life, they are my heart. They were what I lived for. My pride and joy. I still can't believe it. A part of my anatomy is gone. I can't function as before, neither do I care to.

I've been wanting to write on here how I've been feeling for some time now. I've dreamt about Tony, some happy dreams from when he was young and safe with me and also not so good memories of feeling guilty from when he was growing up the eldest and my putting so much responsibility on him. I guess, well, more like pretty sure it comes from when I had so much responsibility put on me as a child but I wasn't so ridged or strict with him, he was so mature and trustworthy I let him pretty much run the show. I didn't copy my parents. Growing up in the 60's and 70's I wonder how I survived my parents, my punishments. But they do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yet I don't look at myself as being so strong. I could leave this earth at a drop of a hat. I admit this here but to keep from being put away I'll always deny it.
I feel sometimes like I'm in a bubble surrounded by words. Maybe it's because I can't form a sentence to make anyone understand what I'm going through. I still cry all the time. I miss him so much. I still imagine my Tony walking through the door. It's starting to irritate me though when people say to imagine he's on a vacation. But the truth of the matter is he's never coming home. It was so easy before when I felt overwhelmed I'd pick up the phone and call him and talk to him and he'd make me feel better because he was such a good listener. Or when I felt I had to see him and he'd come right over just for a hug, or I'd go over to his house just for a hug. To see my son Tony drive up in the driveway was like the closest thing to a celebrity, to me even better. I would get so happy to hear his SUV pull in the driveway. I'd meet him outside so happy to see him and just hug him. He was so special to me. Getting one of his hugs would make me feel so....hard to describe. He loved me. We had been through so much, he was my rock. I miss that feeling, I miss him so much. I love all my children. But I'll never have that again.
He called me that night before and confided in me his plans for the future. It didn't include her. He's gone now because of her. She took the most precious gift God gave me. The gift of being his mother. How can I forgive that Jehovah? I'm not perfect. How can I forgive her for that?

My mom had her surgery to her neck. The following week it did get infected. The Doctor explained that it was her saliva glands that had gotten very infected. He squeezed all the infection out right there in the office. I could tell it was very painful for my mom. Now 2 weeks later the area is hardened but the Doctor looked at it this monday and said it would be several weeks before that area would start to appear normal. In the end tumor that was removed wasn't cancer so we were happy about that.
My grandson is doing much better. He survived the swine flu and so did his momma. LD got to see him last thursday after he stopped at his pre school. He hadn't seen LD in awhile so they were very happy to see eachother. holding on tight to his neck he whispered in LD's ear he wanted to go home but LD told him he had to go to work and that he would be picked up as normal later probably by his other grandma. LD was with Solange. She got a big hug too. Makes me sad LD doesn't get to see his son as much as he would like because he has to work 7 days a week now.

Not at all a good day....

Yesterday was not a good day. I had to pre-register my mom for surgery next wednesday, the 9th. She goes in to remove a tumor on the right side of her neck the size of an ehh. The Doc said may be cancer. She alergic to the anesthesia, she has trouble waking up and last time she got violently ill.
And then there's my grandbaby to which I found out last night has the swine flu. Today his fever climbed to 101 degrees.
I'm at the verge of crying all the time seeing all this and more around me and feel useless unable to do anything about it. This life is so cruel, so unjust. I can't wait till the new system. We all need it so bad.
Rev. 21:4 and I'll be able to see my Tony again.
I was so happy before when he was here. Anything came my way I still felt so blessed because I knew Jehovah and he had blessed me allowing me to be their mom. 4 of the most beautiful blessings, my answered prayer. Now I feel useless, so useless.

Solange @ 22

Our babycakers was born 22 yrs ago today. As she put's it 22 yrs ago she "was taken from my womb, not by choice". she was supposed to be born in July but wasn't ready to go down the super slide of life. she liked the butt groove she had made comfortable for herself, so I made a choice, since I could no longer walk normally, wobbled like a weeble, made the appt. and that's all she wrote.
Tony was a real help with Solange. He would be so proud of where she is in her life right now. He used to refer to her as "I'm the baby" as if she was talking, copying that cartoon they had on the air at the time, a dinosaur family with a baby that always said "I'm the baby".
He was very protective of her as with all his siblings. He really loved his baby sister.

Easy Sleepin'

I ask from Tony's friends sometimes a memory of him but recently I remembered one of my own. When I brought Schivone home from the hospital she was about 24 hours old, this was 27 yrs ago. I got home and for him to be able to interact with her for a little bit I put a blanket down in the middle of the living room and laid baby Schivone on her back and had Tony sit beside her so he could meet his little sister, touch her, etc. Schivone was born a year, one month, less one day after Tony. He sat there close to her and I could tell he wanted to touch her and I let him showing him how gentle he should be and saying "easy Tony, easy". Every time he went for her cheek I'd tell him "easy, easy". He was very gentle.
Schivone was now home and visitors would come wanting to take a peek, even my father came in from Connecticut as a surprise.
Tony was very protective of Schivone even at that little young age.
But, I remember when I had her comfortable in her crib with the door of her room slightly ajar and Tony would check on her once in awhile. I remember one time there was a knock on the door though and as the guests were coming in he would run to her room, point and say "easy, sleepin', shhh, easy, sleepin'". I figured it out after a while, he thought that was her name....Easy. (smiles) as he got older he realized her real name but for awhile it was "Easy".

"Childhood's End" Pink Floyds version

Pink Floyd
Obscured By Clouds
Childhood's End
You shout in your sleep.
Perhaps the price is just too steep.
Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test?
You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart.
Just one man beneath the sky,
Just two ears, just two eyes.
You set sail across the sea of long past thoughts and memories.
Childhood's end,
Your fantasies merge with harsh realities.
And then as the sail is hoist,
You find your eyes are growing moist.
All the fears never voiced say you have to make your final choice.
Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why?
Some are born;
Some men die beneath one infinite sky.
There'll be war, there'll be peace.
But everything one day will cease.
All the iron turned to rust;
All the proud men turned to dust.
And so all things, time will mend.
So this song will end.

The thought of writing a blog about what has happened is something I wish I never had to do but it's my outlet.
What happens to you when you lose a child is unimaginable, unthinkable. The people close to you don't understand. Sometimes a stranger shows more compassion and understanding than your own relative.
I never claimed to be strong or a survivor but people call me that. Don't. I wish I could tell them, just don't. I'm not that strong. I'm still here because I'm a coward. Everyday I think of a way out.
People don't understand how this boy saved my life. I never had affection or love like I saw my friends or cousins get from their parents. My parents even showed more affection to my cousins than they did me. I wasn't in a good place when I found out I was pregnant, I was praying everynight not to wake up the next morning. My son saved my life. I finally had something/someone to live for that I could love and would love me back. He's gone, that true love is gone. Unconditional love. He knew the life we had. He knew the sacrifices I made, he knew how others judged me and how wrong they were. All that is gone and I don't want to be here anymore. It's really that simple.

I found an ex boyfriend on facebook I haven't seen in years and started to talk to him about Tony. I was having a hard time lately and he gave me his ear so to speak. It only lasted for a couple days. I don't like to open up too much because then I can't stop. Tony was an extra ordinary person and people sometimes think you are saying all these wonderful things about your loved one because you're their mother. That's only partly true. If the person wasn't so special you wouldn't be going on and on. I don't think so anyway.
Solange left for California on tuesday and I was so afraid. I was afraid something would happen to the plane or her and it didn't help that driving to the airport on the less than 1 hour drive I saw 2 car accidents. She made it to Nashville and then Oakland safely and she's OK. She's having alot of fun so she says. And she won't be back until the first week of August. By then I hope to have enough or be close to being able to move.

Divorce in 2009

It's been a long time comin' but I have to come clean. LD is divorced. Courtney filed for divorce a few months ago and it's final. They have split. From what I hear she had planned it before the wedding but didn't want to disappoint her parents after they had spent so much money and so went through with the wedding. It did have something to do with the economy, LD was trying to get a full time 9 to 5 but there aren't many jobs to be had out there. He was on a list for Lowes considering his dad works there and as soon as the hiring freeze lifted he would be one of the first considered. LD also worked side jobs, landscaping, drywall, laying floors and such even going out of town to do some of this work days at a time but that wasn't enough. You name it he did it. He even worked seasonally for UPS. But she went the extra mile and divorced him saying once he learns his lesson and grows up she would take him back. She told me she would leave him if he didn't "hurry up and find a job" and that it was "so much easier for a man to find a job than a woman" that she would leave him. This was just after the wedding. I thought she was venting!!
She works for a body shop but it's a job her mother got her and her boss is a friend of the family!
The bills were being paid, not even her girlfriends could understand why. She had to post in bold print on "MySpace", "NO HE DID NOT CHEAT ON ME!" Everyone knew he was a "catch".
Whatever happened to "in sickness and health, richer or poorer...."
I'm sorry. I know my son and we've had some long talks. He took his vows seriously but she proceeded to rob him both emotionally and materially, to go back to someone you can no longer trust?
He never cheated on her and treated her like a Queen, never laying a hand on her, never calling her a name, telling her he loved her and how beautiful she was everyday, even cutting the meat off the bone when he served her her meals. He spoiled her ridiculous.
I hope he finds someone who is more humble next time.
1 Corinthians 13:8 "Love never fails...." , 1 Corinthians 13:13 " Now, however, there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Solange's Graduation

June 13, 2009, Saturday, Solange graduated from the Orlando Culinary Academy Le Cordon Bleu with honors. I was there, her brother LD, Schivone, her Vovó, her Daddy and Lori. We were all very proud of my babycaker's and I'm sure Tony would have been too. Tony always encouraged her to do something she loved and excel at it. Tony was always proud of her baking stressing that everything she made it was from scratch. If Tony was here now he would be so proud of his baby sister, of everything she has accomplished already even in her line studies, in her line of work. Lot's of tears missing Tony, missing this.

I've been going out of my mind lately....

This website has helped me:

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20080701/article_02.htm

Uncle Tony

Today my grandbaby came to visit. We swam at the pool here in the resort and had a great time. I wish Tony would've been here. We learned today that my grandbaby's grandpa on his maternal side is 6'7" and with Tony being 6'5" last time he was measured at the Dr's office and my grandbaby already being off and beyond the charts he will also be tall.
I'm glad I saved some of Tony's clothes so I can show my grandbaby how tall his uncle Tony got to be. He still wasn't done growing either!!
I only wish Tony had been here. They would have had such fun getting to know eachother.

We get knocked down but we get back up again

Somebody once said that through life sometimes you trip and fall, you get up and then sometimes trip and fall again, the important thing is you get up and keep walking. This is true but sometimes you need someone to help you up, someone to hold onto, to help you get a grip and walk with you, support you, help you take these steps and sometimes even show you how to walk again. I didn't have this. The first year it was as if people kept knocking me down. Even telling me it was time enough for me to have gotten "over it", "life goes on". Since that day I still feel the wounds, still feel I need this help and afraid to ask, to show my pain. These are pains along with what "normal" people have to deal with in life. In today's system of things when don't lack in problems along with everyone else.
But I died that day along with my son. I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I'm not asking anyone to make it easier for me, just be alittle more considerate, conscience of what I've been through or anyone has been through before they act or say something stupid. It just shocks me sometimes to know that these people exist, they hurt you with their words and all you wish sometimes is that they would shut up. You feel dead already and they're just digging your grave.
I know every mother feels this way when I say my son was different, and every child IS! I lost my right arm. I lost the person most like me in this world. Sometimes I can't stand myself so it's weird saying this.
Tony understood me in the truest sense of the word. No one will ever understand me like that. I miss you my son. I pray one day to see your smiling face again one day in paradise. Perfect, no more death, mourning or pain or tears, the former things all passed away, just as Jehovah has promised. Revelation 21:4

"Happy Mother's Day"

Today the world celebrates Mother's Day. It is a bittersweet day for me. I miss Tony so much everyday. I feel like I am going above and beyond just being here everyday. I ask Jehovah for the will to keep going everyday. I am a mother 4 times afterall.
I saw the movie today that depicted Biggie Small and Tupac. A few times in the movie we were given clues that Biggie's mom was a sister. Christopher as his mom referred to him even used Jehovah's name. I remember when Biggie's mom was interviewed once after her son was murdered and her saying how she missed him, missed cooking for him....missed him. I felt a connection to her then. But now even more. In the movie driving back from the funeral or on the way to, she was holding the same bible I use from the WTBTS. I hope that she feels the same and it gives her comfort to know that she too has that hope of some day seeing her son's smile again as I do.
Just before he passed away he did have a chance to remind everyone close to him he loved them and wanted to "wipe the slate clean".
I have with me the last words Tony uttered to me on the phone the night before he was murdered. "I love you mom, I love you." So, thank you Jehovah.
Tony was everything I prayed to Jehovah for and more. Even though he didn't have a father around to teach him how to be a Man, thank's to Jehovah he had a good foundation and became a man. So, I thank Jehovah for that and so much more.

"It's really very simple"

From time to time I find a poem that I can relate to by another woman who has suffered a great loss. Lyndie is usually right on.

It's really very simple
My life is not the same
I cry when no ones looking...
from all this hidden pain

Can't show it when I'm working
Not when I'm with my kids
It's really very simple
To everyone it's hid

I'll fool you with my smile
I've learned how to deny
It's really very simple
I never show I cry

Although my life is troubled
I never show the truth
The world thinks I'm much better...
for grieving is uncouth

Each morning I awaken
First thing right out of bed
This sorrow that's kept secret
It's simply just not said

Can't share it with my parent...
not a neighbor or a friend
It's really very simple
No one can comprehend

It's really very simple
Only those that share this fate

Can see right through my smile
With them I can be straight

In loving memory of Joey and his heavenly buddies
Lyndie
Copyright ©April 2009

Memories

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried....
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried....
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too....
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing,
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You ask me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.



Elizabeth Dent

5 years

Today marked 5years since she killed my son. April 15, 2004 my son was shot in the heart. She left him there to bleed to death and every year I remember all the promises he made and all my dreams died.
It's so hard to control my emotions during this time. My son was my dream come true. The best son a mother could ever ask for but he was also my friend. You can see how special and the mark made in all his friends lives. They still make me feel special, they still call me.
As sad as this day is for me my other son LD made me so proud today. It was his 3rd visit with his son and he told him he was his father.
A re-birth. I was very happy for my son, so proud of him. Tony would've been proud too.

I've missed him so much lately. I've been very emotional. This thursday will be 10 years since my Dad passed away and the 13th will be the 5th anniversary for my son. It hurts so much to feel the time go by. It's like I'm leaving him back there in 2004. Sometimes I can go on and on about him in conversation with a dry eye but then sometimes I can say 2 words and the tears start to fall.
Solange has been making some beautiful wedding cakes for some of these weddings happening at the palace grand even and we were remembering how Tony used to brag about Solange's baking showing proof of how it was made from scratch opening up her "baking ingredients cabinet". How proud he would be of her now having attended the Orlando Culinary Academy and graduating soon, doing her externship and even her bosses amazed at how beautiful her cakes are. That made us both cry.
It's been really hard lately to hold back. The Memorial is tomorrow and that is the last time he was at the Kingdom Hall. He passed away days later.
I miss my baby so much but there is the hope I'll see his smile again.

On April 13th this year it will be 5 yrs since I lost Tony. When I'm alone I still cry. People said it would get easy with time. How could they know? I still get stupid remarks like that. At first I thought it was a bad dream and I would wake up from this nightmare. And as I mentioned before I even made deals with God....please, I know nothing is impossible for you, please bring him back, let me wake up and him be here.
My first-born. He was with me and saw everything of the life and sacrifices we had to go through. As for his brother and sister's he was their hero. His siblings have more than missed him. LD is going through something now that I'm sure would've been easier had his brother and best-friend were here to talk to. LD trusted too easily after his brother passed. After only one month he thought he found someone he could trust but in the end, in May 2009 it will be 5 years and this person as he puts it is in the wrong line of work and should be bound for Hollywood.
LD will be OK, he's been through worse.

March 4, 1981

I welcomed my Tony into this world 28 years ago. He saved my life, he was my gift from God. I lost him too soon to say the least. He is resting and I pray to someday to see his beautiful smile again in paradise. I miss you so much my gorgeous baby.
Vovo said she dreamt of you last night you were covered with sweets. I love you so much.

Solange is home now. She got to finish the semester and now is just looking for where to do her externship. I'm so proud of my baby girl and I know Tony would be too. He's her inspiration she says. She always loved to bake for him. The way he'd light up as he bragged about his baby sister's creations to everyone, the way his face would light up when she made his favorites....I miss cooking for him too.

The little things are what I miss

The little things are what I miss
Bright smile on your face
Watching you go here or there
A gentle warm embrace

Sleeping very peacefully
With covers to your head
Knowing you were safe and sound
All snuggled in your bed

Enjoying all your favorite foods
Then planning what was next
You always had some place to go
Some special new project

listen to you say "what's up"
When answering a call
Heading out to join a friend
To meet or play some ball

Running up or down the stairs
"Hey mom I'll be right back"
Or standing by the counter
To have a little snack

Primping by the bathroom mirror
All ready for your night
Or hearing you outside my door
"Mom I'm home, goodnight"

The sound of your sweet laughter
As you watched a TV show
Or when I asked you something
You said "Mom I don't know"

"I won't be home for dinner
See you later, I love you"
The little things are what I miss
I really had no clue

In loving memory of Joey Sorenson 1/5/82-7/19/03
Lyndie Sorenson
©copyright 2007