My Faith, Jehovah my strength

I was in the darkness
I was out in the cold
Seemed nothing could heal this
This hole in my soul
You reached out your arms to me
Held out your heart to me
Pulled me back from the edge
Thought I reached the end.

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You you you pulled me through
I was in the shadows
Lost, nothing left to lose.
You, you, you pulled me through.

You gave my faith back
Faith was so hard to find
You gave me my life back
You were my lifeline
The love that you gave me
Is love that has saved me
Your strength is what made me strong
You held me and I held on

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You oh you you pulled me through
I was in the shadows
Lost, nothing left to lose.
You, you, you pulled me through.

Out of the dark
Into your arms
Into the light
Your love saved my life

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You, ooh you, you (pulled me through)
(When I was drowning) when I was drowning
I was so confused (when I was confused)
Yea you ooh you yea you you pulled me through
(You pulled me through, you) you, you pulled me through.

If you're wondering Summer never sent a photo of Tony. Not that I expected her to, she's evil for heaven sakes. It's not in her to do right, not even a little bit right. After all look at what she did to Tony. Evil people are just that way. Look at my sister. I begged for 4 years for her to send me a photo by email even. I mean it's nothing off her back, it's an email and she get's to keep the original. You see, my sister was always the photographer of the family. It was her hobby. After 4 years of begging on the answering machine (she screens her calls) she finally sent a couple but not without me trading them for current photos of my kids, invites to their wedding (to which of course she never attended or told my other sister or brother about), important info on the family (I do ancestor research on our family). But then something happened. I heard from my nephew a story they told him about how my son past away that was so far from the truth I sent her an email. I wrote that her information was wrong and that if she wanted the truth why won't she come out of hiding and ask me? "Come out of hiding" because in 11 years she has yet to answer the phone, even when I told her our mother was very ill, in and out of the hospital. Then no more photos. Heartless. I'd love to see these photos she holds onto. It gives her a sense of power I guess.
I just know I miss my baby's smile, in all the stages of his life. Even of my other children.
I don't understand it. I would never do this to another soul who has had such a tremendous loss.
I pray every night to God to help me forgive these people. It eats me up inside how evil people can be, especially those closest to you. I have to pray this way because when I go to God in prayer how do I expect to ask to be forgiven, right?! Then I pray for God to handle it for me and in due time He will. Only thing is patience. I have to let him do His thing.

"Through the years and the distance your image remains
LIke the first day I saw you, you'll never be changed
As a token you left me your picture" Gloria Estefan

Baby you're not lost

ecouraging

I received some encouraging words yesterday. My son according to Jehovah's word, is in Jehovah's memory. My hope is to be united with him one day and to see his beautiful smile, his perfect body, no pain, no tears....perfect conditions because there will be plenty of work to do restoring this earth to a perfect paradise and welcoming back those that died before armageddon.

Liable

My daughter had a dream the other night about Tony. She said it made her miss him so much, wanted to see if Summer could share some photos. This of course meant getting a hold of the person that killed my son and to ask for some photos that she had taken of him. The communication with my daughter and Summer was all via myspace.com. After awhile Summer finally wrote back and said she had been to my blog and read it and that considering my son's passing I "should move on" and that I could even be held liable for what I had written...."move on", right, coming from a mother herself. Except ofcourse when it came to motherhood, for her, she did give up her first two kids. She practically handed them over to her first husband as she was late for the court date that would show she was fighting for custody. Then there was her third child she lost. I never did get a straight story about him being a still birth baby. I am sorry to say but I strongly think it had to do with the drugs she was taking at the time. Then there's the fourth child Tony helped raise from the time the child was almost 1 year until about 4yrs. old. That one she's kept, he's about 9yrs. old now.
Now, what I'm trying to get at is a real mother knows better than to say to another mother who's had such a traumatic loss to "get over it" especially if she lost one herself.
She still insists she had nothing to do with Tony's passing but those of you who have been reading this blog, have to agree there's no other explanation, unless of course you want to go with the other story (her story was and still is, she found him that way) which still confirms she's heartless either way (as Tony used to say) to have allowed Tony to take his own life because if that were so then he could not stand another minute on this earth if it meant to spend it with her, and don't forget in both scenarios she let's him bleed to death for three hours before saying anything to anybody.
There were people outside waiting for him or she could have gone to a neighbor. BTW the neighbor who sold Tony that gun which Tony kept under lock and key ended up killing himself one year later, exact same day as Tony passed away. He himself was an x-cop from New York and the guilt must have eaten him alive. My son David remembers Summer telling him she broke into the safe the gun was in looking for the gun and money the night before.
ALSO, get this....after saying I could be held liable for what I've written here she said she wasn't sure whether she was going to share any photos of Tony because if I were to post them I would alter the photo so she and her son could not be recognizable. So let me get this straight....does she want to be known or doesn't she?
Now, she's threatening ME???? Don't push it Summer. They have the death penalty in THIS state. I also have a certified copy of a filed report for domestic violence your son's father filed against you. The reason you are still loose is because this system isn't perfect. But don't you worry because in the new system you'll have to answer to a higher power (your maker) and I'm VERY fine with that.