I've been wanting to write on here how I've been feeling for some time now. I've dreamt about Tony, some happy dreams from when he was young and safe with me and also not so good memories of feeling guilty from when he was growing up the eldest and my putting so much responsibility on him. I guess, well, more like pretty sure it comes from when I had so much responsibility put on me as a child but I wasn't so ridged or strict with him, he was so mature and trustworthy I let him pretty much run the show. I didn't copy my parents. Growing up in the 60's and 70's I wonder how I survived my parents, my punishments. But they do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yet I don't look at myself as being so strong. I could leave this earth at a drop of a hat. I admit this here but to keep from being put away I'll always deny it.
I feel sometimes like I'm in a bubble surrounded by words. Maybe it's because I can't form a sentence to make anyone understand what I'm going through. I still cry all the time. I miss him so much. I still imagine my Tony walking through the door. It's starting to irritate me though when people say to imagine he's on a vacation. But the truth of the matter is he's never coming home. It was so easy before when I felt overwhelmed I'd pick up the phone and call him and talk to him and he'd make me feel better because he was such a good listener. Or when I felt I had to see him and he'd come right over just for a hug, or I'd go over to his house just for a hug. To see my son Tony drive up in the driveway was like the closest thing to a celebrity, to me even better. I would get so happy to hear his SUV pull in the driveway. I'd meet him outside so happy to see him and just hug him. He was so special to me. Getting one of his hugs would make me feel so....hard to describe. He loved me. We had been through so much, he was my rock. I miss that feeling, I miss him so much. I love all my children. But I'll never have that again.
He called me that night before and confided in me his plans for the future. It didn't include her. He's gone now because of her. She took the most precious gift God gave me. The gift of being his mother. How can I forgive that Jehovah? I'm not perfect. How can I forgive her for that?