Solange @ 22

Our babycakers was born 22 yrs ago today. As she put's it 22 yrs ago she "was taken from my womb, not by choice". she was supposed to be born in July but wasn't ready to go down the super slide of life. she liked the butt groove she had made comfortable for herself, so I made a choice, since I could no longer walk normally, wobbled like a weeble, made the appt. and that's all she wrote.
Tony was a real help with Solange. He would be so proud of where she is in her life right now. He used to refer to her as "I'm the baby" as if she was talking, copying that cartoon they had on the air at the time, a dinosaur family with a baby that always said "I'm the baby".
He was very protective of her as with all his siblings. He really loved his baby sister.

Easy Sleepin'

I ask from Tony's friends sometimes a memory of him but recently I remembered one of my own. When I brought Schivone home from the hospital she was about 24 hours old, this was 27 yrs ago. I got home and for him to be able to interact with her for a little bit I put a blanket down in the middle of the living room and laid baby Schivone on her back and had Tony sit beside her so he could meet his little sister, touch her, etc. Schivone was born a year, one month, less one day after Tony. He sat there close to her and I could tell he wanted to touch her and I let him showing him how gentle he should be and saying "easy Tony, easy". Every time he went for her cheek I'd tell him "easy, easy". He was very gentle.
Schivone was now home and visitors would come wanting to take a peek, even my father came in from Connecticut as a surprise.
Tony was very protective of Schivone even at that little young age.
But, I remember when I had her comfortable in her crib with the door of her room slightly ajar and Tony would check on her once in awhile. I remember one time there was a knock on the door though and as the guests were coming in he would run to her room, point and say "easy, sleepin', shhh, easy, sleepin'". I figured it out after a while, he thought that was her name....Easy. (smiles) as he got older he realized her real name but for awhile it was "Easy".

"Childhood's End" Pink Floyds version

Pink Floyd
Obscured By Clouds
Childhood's End
You shout in your sleep.
Perhaps the price is just too steep.
Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test?
You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart.
Just one man beneath the sky,
Just two ears, just two eyes.
You set sail across the sea of long past thoughts and memories.
Childhood's end,
Your fantasies merge with harsh realities.
And then as the sail is hoist,
You find your eyes are growing moist.
All the fears never voiced say you have to make your final choice.
Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why?
Some are born;
Some men die beneath one infinite sky.
There'll be war, there'll be peace.
But everything one day will cease.
All the iron turned to rust;
All the proud men turned to dust.
And so all things, time will mend.
So this song will end.

The thought of writing a blog about what has happened is something I wish I never had to do but it's my outlet.
What happens to you when you lose a child is unimaginable, unthinkable. The people close to you don't understand. Sometimes a stranger shows more compassion and understanding than your own relative.
I never claimed to be strong or a survivor but people call me that. Don't. I wish I could tell them, just don't. I'm not that strong. I'm still here because I'm a coward. Everyday I think of a way out.
People don't understand how this boy saved my life. I never had affection or love like I saw my friends or cousins get from their parents. My parents even showed more affection to my cousins than they did me. I wasn't in a good place when I found out I was pregnant, I was praying everynight not to wake up the next morning. My son saved my life. I finally had something/someone to live for that I could love and would love me back. He's gone, that true love is gone. Unconditional love. He knew the life we had. He knew the sacrifices I made, he knew how others judged me and how wrong they were. All that is gone and I don't want to be here anymore. It's really that simple.