I haven't been able to talk or write too much lately about my Tony. You can never predict when you'll be hit the hardest as far as the time of the year goes. What I mean is some people feel you will "feel" harder hit by your loss during the holidays and when this happens you have the dreaded feeling "here comes the holidays" hold on tight feelings, (reminds me of that song by Phill Collins) then there's the climax (this also reminds me of labor pains) then the time you need to recupe after all those feelings surfaced during those months. But then there's the anniversary of the occurence, then there's the birthday, mother's day, I can go on and on I guess because you never really have a good period after this. Isn't that weird? As I write this I'm kinda realizing it even though I already knew this.
Well needless to say mother's day and the anniversary has passed and I still couldn't bring myself to write on the blog or even talk about it without being all of a sudden hit with the void in my heart, the pain.
Today I talked to my aunt Nina. For the first time I actually told her how we really lost my Tony. Very few people knew. I told everyone it was his heart. The family is so spread out I thought I could just tell everyone that and at the same time be truthfull. He DID have Cardiomegaly, an enlarged heart, he, figuaratively speaking also had a huge heart, and lastly and sadly he was shot in the heart. I didn't want to do alot of explaining. For me not talking about it sometimes I could deny it happened. Because I never saw him that day I could go on imagining him walking through my front door. Then there are times you HAVE to talk about it and it's as if my lips are moving and audible words are coming out but I feel like I'm having an out of body experience looking at myself tell the story but it's monotone, I don't understand any of it. I'm telling the story, like a script. It's still not REAL.