The Pain

I fight with these thoughts everyday and everynight. To be put out of my misery. I pray everynight. In the beginning it was to wake up and realize that this was all a just a really bad nightmare and everything would be the way it was. Tony would be here, my four kids would be here. I would pray; Dear God, nothing is impossible for you, bring Tony back to me. I would envision a time machine and I could go back and be there with him at that precise moment when it was all happening and get him out of that situation. But if that couldn't be then don't let me wake up. Let me sleep, give me a deep deep sleep in death so I wouldn't feel any more pain. These are morbid thoughts I know but don't judge me or tell me to look for help because aside from the meds there is nothing anyone can do. Don't tell me as time goes by things will get better because the pain is now and it's unbearable. I can't sleep. No one is watching so I can cry into my pillow thinking about all the stages of Tony's life, all the kids really, from the time they were tiny when I could watch over them, keep them safe by me, close to me and protect them to the time they started to grow and become independent. Something we teach them from the time they're infants, to do things on their own so they can face the world when the time comes, and we even celebrate when they achieve these steps! But some of us, or maybe just me, regret when the day comes and they say they're moving out. Then it's labor pains all over again, for me it was. Letting them get a place of their own? But, what was wrong with ME? I took in many of Tony's friends in who needed a place to stay all the time I enjoyed having them around, they're very good boy's and according to them I would never have to worry for a place to stay. Funny thing when given the choice if they wanted to be my kids room mate OR rent a room from me....THEY'VE CHOSEN ME!!

I heard the other day that one who thinks that the worst pain a mother will ever go through is when they're in labor with their child. This is a person who has not experienced dropping off their child the first day of school....I'm not ashamed to admit it, I cried....or, seeing them ride away on the school bus for the first time....again, I cried. But for me it was also hearing they were getting a place of their own.
I read once "Making the decision to have a child is momentous...it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone
In so many ways I feel so guilty for not being there to protect him from her, from this bad situation, that is afterall our job as parents. We are given this privilege, this blessing, but our job is to love them and prepare them to be independent in this world. But it's so hard because we know how cruel this world is. We know that this whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, Satan. We can only pray each time they walk out the door that Jehovah is guiding their steps and will protect them from evil. But I still feel guilt, so much guilt.