"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone."
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
The first 2 and a half years I did it with no meds. I would fall apart at the snap of a a finger. I couldn't listen to music, any music. I would drive myself to and from work crying all the way, drying my face and applying alittle powder thinking I could get away with no one noticing. If I wasn't fooling anyone no one let on. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I couldn't watch anymore emergency room shows, and certainly no movies that had guns in them. If I was watching something with Solange on TV and someone died or was hurt with a gun I would fall apart, cry out even. TV shows with doctors made me mad. Live surgery shows I loved watching before (in the medical field since 1987, I loved to watch and learn) I now hated those shows. Medicine, to me a miracle in itself, couldn't save my son. I would think of how the EMT's gave up. Summer (Tony's ex) had left him there for 3 hours to bleed to death, it wasn't the EMT's fault.
I even started to resent people, bad people for still being alive and I know that's wrong but I did. I would think "there goes one who deserves to live and my son dies?" It didn't seem fair.
I was in such denial for the longest time. I kept wishing, bargaining with God. I would think that maybe Tony was hiding from Summer, his ex. I thought as soon as she moved back to Virginia Beach where she was from Tony's "bro's" would notify him and he would come back home. He just wanted to make sure she was gone, that's all. She always went after him, begged him to come back, call his cell, etc. Or maybe since he was so popular, everybody knew Tony and he was currently looking for another job....I just made him a new resume! He had been to China, Japan, Manhattan, Mexico, Florida and he was so smart!! so very smart!! maybe he went to work for the CIA and is in hiding and one day he will walk through my door and before he finished the words "sorry ma", he called me Ma, I would hold him so tight and smother him with kisses.
Everyday, everyday I would cry. I'm on anti anxiety and anti depressants now. I can watch some of my old shows again but sometimes I still breakdown. I cry almost everyday, at least it's not everyday. The meds help.
I still have all those thoughts I had before. I still feel the pain, still want to be put out of my misery.
