I started this blog as sort of a diary....

I started this blog as sort of a diary, as an outlet. I was internet surfing a few weeks ago, I felt alone and was trying to find others who are feeling a loss and I found one for grieving mothers; on the front page that grieving mom wrote: "In the loneliness and desperation that only grief can bring...in that desperate need for someone to talk to... I am reaching out to talk with you." And this is why I'm here.
Tony has been gone 3 years now and has left a tremendous void in me. This may seem like a long time for some unless ofcourse you're the one going through something like this.
We were very close. They say it's wrong for parents and kids to be best friends; parents need to parent but Tony had seen alot and experienced alot with me when he was little with his father around. He helped me alot. We shared alot. This void will never be filled by anyone or anything. People say "you have your other children to think about!". But it's not the same. Just like neither of the 3 children I have "left" could ever be replaced, Tony can never be replaced.
Tony's friends still come around now and again and that makes me feel "closer" to him. Some of them call me mom; for years they referred to me as their second mom. I know if I needed them I could call any of them. I know I'd be welcome. There have been times when things were tight and they've even offered me a place to stay. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my youngest, Solange and with her part time job and me working from home, many times were tight.
Some of those friends of Tony's, have gone on and gotten married and have made me "honorary grandma" to their kids. When I need to talk about Tony they always avail themselves and I'm gratefull for that, more than they'll ever know.
Since Tony has been gone it seems as if I've been existing. Not really "living"; almost going through the motions. I look to my other kids to give me a reason to live, to keep on going. When they misbehave or treat me in a disrespectful way I take this to heart. It takes everything in me to get myself out of bed in the morning, I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I ask myself "Don't they understand??".
I've been in deep depression since this all happened. I lost my father in 1999 and really never got over that and then Tony, his name sake, my first born, my answered prayer; actually, when I found out I was pregnant with Tony and prayed, God went above and beyond answering my prayers with Tony. My miracle, my blessing, my everything, my reason for living.
I miss him so much. I miss cooking for him, taking care of him. Even though he didn't live with me the last couple years when he was sick he came looking for me. He made me feel very special. Always. He was the perfect gentleman too. I taught him all the little things girls like....opening doors, gifts on memorable days, respect your elders. He was all that and more.